


Glitched up Love (Beta)

by princce7



Category: BEN Drowned, Creepypasta - Fandom, Doki Doki Literature Club! (Visual Novel)
Genre: Abusive Parents, Death, Depression, Descriptive Death, Eye Horror, Eye Trauma, F/M, Grieving, Parental Death, Self Harm, Stabbing, Suicide, Trauma, abuse content warning, also there may eb tags i can't think of?, decomposition, emotional breakdowns, forceful blinding, i'm new and from the tumblr RP scene, idk how to tag things please send help, that includes but is not limited to, the content in ddlc is addressed and used here!, which happens a handful of times, you ahve been warned
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-12-16
Updated: 2020-11-28
Packaged: 2021-02-26 01:07:17
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 17
Words: 24,668
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21824887
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/princce7/pseuds/princce7
Summary: Beta Label is explained chaper one end notesDDLC comes out, floods youtube, and piques BEN's interest. bored and with nothing else to do, why not check it out? story's fun enough, if a bit cliche and...alright, that's a dark turn and...is there someone in this?
Relationships: BEN Drowned and Jadusable as roommates, BEN Drowned x Monika, Monika x BEN Drowned, roommates - Relationship
Kudos: 41





	1. Jad and BEN reunite

For all the crazy that had happened, life now had a normal. From drifting computer system to computer system until BEN had figured out how to manifest himself, it was a surprise when he found himself back with the man who’d set him free in the first place. That first meeting went about as well as one would expect, with the victim and  traumatizer meeting up for the first time in three years. (Three... that number seemed to follow him  ** everywhere ** !) BEN hadn’t tried to be so startling, but  in the end, h e was still a dead kid. He'd had time since his initial death to grow, and mature, but he also did not have the social experience or tact to approach this reunited meeting.

He had thought the familiar format of  Cleverbot would have been a good first contact. He had thought sending that first message, that simple “Thank you,” would have helped heal the past. After all,  Jad was  finally back on the grid! After BEN has first departed,  Jad had left the majority of electronics behind, switching to a flip phone, shutting off his internet, basically ghosting the world. the slow return to posting again meant he was better, was BEN’s reasoning. 

The panicked shutdown of the PC had come as a surprise. He'd only had a moment to think before he'd have had to traverse the web to another nearby source. Thankfully the computer takes it’s time to turn off, just enough for the image of the statue he’d stolen the form of to appear on the screen. Just enough time for those pixels to fly from the screen, forming as the real statue in  Jadusables apartment.

Jad had screamed. He had run- was trying to escape. He was frenzied, crying, exclaiming he thought BEN was gone, thought that he was free, and... apologizing. Why had  Jadusable been apologizing? It was a stroke of luck that the door had been fumbled with. It was just enough time for BEN to  break the bounds of his statue form to move limbs, and block the path.

Looking back, he should have backed off. He didn’t handle that situation well, but it worked out in the end, _right?_

BEN had a grip on  Jadusable’s wrist, and they froze in that position. Both had eyes wide, staring at  each other . BEN’s blue eyes were clouded with confusion,  Jad’s filled with fear. He was shaking like a leaf, and tears dripped down his eyes. “ _ please.  _ I'm sorry, please don’t hurt me .” those whispered words were desperate, as the human had braced himself.

Those whispered words were familiar. A pointed ear flicked, and those blue eyes vanished into dark black pits as BEN let go, stepping back. The blood welled, but those sockets blinked the drops back.  “ ** I’m sorry ** . I’m sorry. I swear, I'm not like him. I swear-I swear. I promised I'd never- I swore I'd never be like... I’m sorry.” the empty dark sockets had been replaced with a couple or red pinpoint irises. Coupled with the lifted up surrender hands, BEN looked small, despite how he was  drifting off the ground. He looked fragile, despite how jagged so many of his edges were.

They still held eye contact.  Jadusable , afraid to move despite being let go, afraid to do something he shouldn’t. BEN, realizing whose actions he had just mimicked and repulsed with himself, having only meant to make amends.

How had this encounter gone south so quickly? The question plagued the spirit as he stood there, statue-still, hands raised in an all too familiar surrendering position. Slowly,  Jad moved, just to rub where he’d been grabbed. He stood, moving slowly, still terrified this was all a trap. the apology BEN has uttered earlier was still registering. It didn’t make sense.

Why would the ghost that plagued him for months, made his life a literal nightmare, be apologizing? What sort of twisted promise had he made? Still, if  Jad could be found like this, three years later, just by posting... what, three times? An update on that forum, an 'I'm back' on his youtube and twitter? If that’s all it took to be found, it’s not like he could truly hide and still live life.

He couldn’t live like this forever.

He couldn’t survive in this society offline.

He couldn’t survive with this fear in general.

If this was the end... well, it may just be better than living in a purgatory of his own trauma and fear. Slowly, slowly he began to finally ask. “What do you want with me?” he was still shaking. His hand had slowly landed on the door handle he’d been fumbling with. He was still ready to bolt.

BEN didn’t move. Other than blinking a few times, and taking what looked like a deep breath. Those red pinpoints disappeared under one of those blinks, and the black red turned back to the blue eyes he’d had before. There was an underlying rusty crust on the lids of his eyes, from the pushed back bloody tears, but ignoring that, he almost looked like Link. If it weren't’ for those jagged edges, and glossy, painted skin... BEN’s voice was so soft, nothing like the taunting laughs and piercing screams  Jad remembered from the game. BEN’s voice was so young sounding,  Jad remembered thinking about ‘what a cruel joke to sound worthy fo pity’ in that moment. the words muttered had only added to the biting thought.

“I-I wanted to thank you. I didn’t... I wasn’t trying to scare you again. I didn’t mean to hurt you! I never meant to hurt you. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have grabbed you like him-like that. I panicked- I needed you to stay.”

The silence that followed stretched. BEN was the first to break eye contact, looking down. His hat had been twitching, akin to a tail behind him this entire time. as his floating feet hit the floor, his height came to light. Barely four feet, at most. those raised hands slowly were lowered, and his hands fell awkwardly at his side. That hat was drifting slowly back and forth, twitching in the silence.

Jadusable broke the silence.  _ This isn't fair, _ he had thought.  _ You can’t be some helpless kid, after all the shit you put me through. you're not allowed to look so pathetic! You ruined my life.  _ Fear had shifted into anger, but it stayed hidden. Survival came first. He could still act in a way he shouldn’t. Things could go south, especially if this was just some new cruel game. A twisted, hateful part wanted to believe it was just some cruel game, that this was just his new torture. That this  guilt-trip was entertaining to the ghost, proof that he was evil.

That small human voice of hope and kindness couldn’t help but recall how the ghost had pulled away at his begging. How those hands had naturally slid up in a practiced surrendered position. 

And what promise? What promise could this  devil hold with such high esteem to be nearly brought to tears over breaking it?

“Why?” it was a loaded question, for how concise and short it was. It was one small word, with the weight of everything on it. it asked for all the answers, for when he couldn’t decide on which was most important.

  * Why are you sorry?
  * Why did you hurt me?
  * Why do you want to thank me?


  * Why are you here now?
  * Why did you do everything, if you never meant it?
  * Why are you upset?
  * Why am I of interest to you?
  * Why me?



For such a heavy question, the following silence was tangible. The clocked ticked to the next hour. Ding, dong. Ding, dong. Ding, dong. 3pm. The sound  brought BEN’s ears to flicker. “I was trapped. I wanted- I needed out. I was fine alone. I was fine at first. But things changed. I wasn't alone. I- I didn’t do much. I swear, it wasn’t me. I may have made them not call you by name when you deleted my file, and I broke it when you tried to cheat, but that’s it. It wasn’t supposed to go further. Just something to get back at you for deleting my save. Then things changed. I needed out. That cartridge became hell for me. I thought I had escaped him, but he was there. He joined me. I needed out. I needed to get away. I didn’t mean to scare you. I didn’t mean to hurt you. I never meant to hurt you. I’m sorry. I’m sorry.”

It was sick how young he sounded. It was sick, the explanation, and how perfectly worded, how perfectly toned it was to make  _ Jadusable _ feel bad. It was sick how even after all this time, the ghost would try and play such games. This whole scenario was sick. BEN was sick. This was one twisted game, it had to be. That small voice though, couldn’t agree. BEN had started crying those bloody tears. he hadn’t been able to blink them back. And as they fell,  Jad watched those blue eyes fade to black and red.

Creepy little shit.

Still, more alarming was the thought of another. BEN was talking about someone else. BEN was saying he hadn’t been alone in the game. If there was an ounce of truth, that meant the damn cartridge he’d held onto just so no one else had to deal with it, was still haunted. That there was something else in it.

And if there was truth in the ghost's words, that something was **bad**.

“He who?”

The question had an  immediate effect. Whereas BEN had been trying to look at his feet, more than anything, he’d gripped the sides of that tunic, knuckles going white. The hat had gone still, those ears lowered. Eye contact was made, and  Jad shivered. As BEN finally answered, his legs and arms had... solidified , half forming part of the statue he’d haunted in the game. “My father.” the hesitant quiet to the two words, the hushed fearful tones... it was terrifying.

“Your-”  Jadusable started to ask, out of pure disbelief, when BEN cut him off.

“My Murderer.”

No. No no no! The thing that had ruined his life couldn’t' have some tragic backstory! BEN DROWNED. That much was obvious. That much he knew. And yeah, death was bad, but people drown yearly. That's nothing...as morbid as it was to think, that’s nothing special. But to be killed by your own father?

It wasn’t fair. Three years. Three years wondering why. Three years wondering what he did to deserve this. Three years living in paranoia. Three years of knowing he wasn’t even believed by those who’d made his tale, his life, his **trauma** popular. Three years of his own hell, of this purgatory of uncertainty, and this ghost, the source of it all, wanted his pity? It wasn’t FAIR. It wasn’t right. The fear had faded. That sliver saw the pain, knew the words were genuine. That sliver of human kindness understood something tragic happened, that this was someone hurting

The fear, however, had faded to nothing but rage.  Jadusable was livid. Here he was, in a situation where the ‘good guy’ would forgive. Where he’s supposed to feel pity. Where he’s supposed to forget, right? That's the narrative all the media would want. That's what a ‘good person’ would do, right? That's how this tale should end? The apology accepted, the sob story enough to win him over?

_**Hell no.** _

What had been hesitant tones, uncertain questions, faded. He let go of the doorknob. His hands were fists. “You ruined my life! You destroyed  everything for me! And you expect some sob story about your daddy killing you and a couple of ‘i’m sorries’ to fix this? Three years! Three years I've been living off the grid, in hiding, in fear, fear of this moment. Of you coming back. Of you finishing with the game you made of my life, of my existence, of my sanity! And after finally thinking perhaps I'm forgotten, that perhaps I can live like a normal fucking person again, and practically immediately here you are, all my fears confirmed, my paranoia shown to have purpose. All I wanted was to play a game from my childhood that I adored. All I wanted was to relive the days of my youth- and you ruined it! The whole franchise I loved is sour because of what you’ve done! When I shower, I wonder if it’ll be the last thing I do, if you’ll make me suffer the same fate you did!”

BEN  opened his mouth, tried to interrupt, to say something, but  Jadusable kept going. “NO! No, you’re not allowed to interrupt me. Not this time. Not now. You've already interrupted my life, you’re not allowed to interrupt me now!” BEN stepped back at the yelling, glancing around. The red pinpoints vanished into pure sockets. 

“Even if this is the last fucking thing I say, at least my last words will have some fucking meaning. **Don’t you get it?** _You ruined my life._ even my cry for help, my desperation to be supported got turned into some popular spooky story for the internet to obsess over! The people in my life think I've lost it! If I were to try therapy they’d lock me up in a crazy hospital for something real! For something that  happened to me! Because of you, because of you-” the ranting started to break, as tears fell down  Jad's face once more. He tried to continue, but the broken sobs stopped him. What RIGHT did BEN have to look scared of him? What right did BEN have to be the one looking cornered?

“why?” it was as soft as before. “why did you have to ruin everything for me?” BEN didn’t answer. “ Why are you backing away?” silence. 

“GIVE AN ANSWER, DAMMIT!” it was screamed  through the sobs, and the flinch was impossible to ignore. He heard whispers. he heard whispers, repeating, repeating. ~~~~

~~_“I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I didn’t mean it. I'm sorry. Please. I didn’t mean to. I didn’t know. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. I didn’t know. I didn’t know. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Please believe me. I'm sorry. Please. I didn’t know. I didn’t know. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. I didn’t know. It won’t happen again.. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Please. Please. I'm sorry. Believe me. I didn’t know. I didn't mean to. I'm sorry. It won’t happen again. I swear, it won’t happen again. I won’t make this mistake again. I didn’t know. I'm sorry. I didn’t know. Please.”_ ~~ now BEN was sobbing. He was against the wall, looking pitiful, sounding so soft, shaking. He didn’t seem to be in this moment- not fully. He kept going. He kept apologizing.

This wasn’t _fair_.  Jad’s hand found the door handle, that initial fear returning just enough to where he didn’t turn his back as he left the room. The door closing between them... and the adrenaline faded. he wasn’t hurt. He hadn’t been hurt. After a moment of the door between them, there was no pursuit. could that damned ghost be telling the truth? Could that really just be some... some kid? Some kid who met a terrible fate, as upsetting as that wording was?

He'd finally gone back to owning a smartphone as he went back online, and he slid it out his pocket. He still had that old forum bookmarked, after all this time, especially since he posted that ‘I am alive’ there the other day.

> ** Update: ** I thought this tale done. You thought this tale done. You thought it nothing but some spooky nonsense. I'm living this nightmare still. I was offline for three years. I come back online for less than a week. Barely posted, just a small update about my wellbeing. And he’s back. He’s back, and he’s physical. I don’t know if I have time right now, but I plan on going further in detail if I get the chance. This isn’t just some story. This is my life. If you have any advice, please. Please help me.

He was just in the apartment complex hall. he didn’t have anyplace to exactly go, but he had to leave. Had to just... build some distance. The library was public enough...


	2. Finding a Rhythm

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Well, after the conflict of old victim and tormenter meeting again for the first time in years... well, that's all going to level out eventually, right?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I think now is the time to warn you it took ten pages on my word document to even mention DDLC I had a lot of fun with the tension set up here, between these two roommates

Despite how terribly things went, BEN didn’t leave. He couldn’t leave. And the obvious start of seeing him just kind of... sitting over near the corner of the room, so that he was out of the way, hadn’t helped. BEN couldn’t leave, because he needed to fix it. He needed to make things right.

Jadusable had saved him. He'd seen the update, and instead was just... on the 3DS when  Jad came back. Wasn't even noticed at first, until the faint music caught  Jad’s eyes. “You creepy son of a bitch- really? Sitting in the dark corner?”

“I uh. Was trying to... be out of the way... I want to be able to make things right, which means... being around.”

“Maybe start with reading my updates, asshole.” the absurdity of everything had  Jadusable blunt and cross. He'd updated further at the library. Why did the ghost need a phone? Either way... well, running wouldn’t fix things, so  Jadusable booted the computer back up. Hopefully the panic hadn’t made him lose too much data from not saving earlier... nothing was lost. It had all been saved before the pop up?

...had BEN thought to save before scaring him? Or was it just lucky timing?

Damn it! That sob story wasn’t allowed to work. he didn’t deserve any pity. BEN didn’t get to have any sympathy for what he did.

> “I was trapped. I wanted- I needed out. I was fine alone. […] Then things changed. I needed out. That cartridge became hell for me. I thought I had escaped him, but he was there. He joined me. I needed out. I needed to get away."
> 
> "He Who?"
> 
> "My father. […] My murderer."

...it wasn’t fair. The conversation played out. Snippets, trying to piece the words with the experiences. Trying to  find tie in the lies with what he knew. To make sense of things.

Days passed with the two just... existing in the same space. Aside from being creeped out by how stony BEN looked, the ghost became familiar. Not welcomed, but bearable. After three weeks, the silence and confrontations lessened, to simple day to day queries. 

  * Is there any milk left?


  * Hey, can I have the tv in a bit?
  * You're fighting that boss wrong.



Simple comments slowly became conversation. It became easier to believe what was said. It became easier to think no harm was ever meant. Became easier to sympathize. Became easy enough to try and murder each other (in the fun world of fighting games.)

Eventually, while they were both doing their thing,  Jad spoke up. 

“How old are you, anyways?”

“Uh... _maybe_ twenty by now? I stopped keeping track.”

“Of course you did. I mean, how old were you?”

“Like ten.”

Like ten. Ten years old. Not even in  highschool . A child. A literal child.

> My Father. My murderer.
> 
> I was trapped. I needed out.
> 
> I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Please, I won’t do it again. I didn’t know. I'm sorry.
> 
> Please believe me.

Damn. He was a good guy after all, wasn’t he? But this didn’t' fix the past. But  atleast ... he couldn’t continue and pretend that he was being lied to. If those had been lies, something would have changed. This would have gotten worse. This would have spelled his doom. This would have been the end. But... BEN stayed out of the way, for the most part. 

...Fine.

BEN could have a chance. “I want to know the details.” it wasn’t asked. It was stated. If he was going to do this, he needed the story.

BEN’s eyes vanished and there wasn’t a reply. After the pause, his voice was unsettlingly soft. “now?”

How was he supposed to respond to that pathetic tone? Stand his ground, insist the traumas be relived now? In this moment, when the kid- the ghost was unprepared? “no,” He sighed, “No, not now. But soon. Or  atleast ... in increments. The least you can do is give me answers.”

“...you’re right. I’ll... Here, I can give the basics now. It's already  happenned ...” there was a lot of detail skimmed over, it being the basics. BEN’s home life being crappy, him being blinded, being led onto the boat without much choice, being tied to a cinderblock and tossed over. It was just enough to show that it was worse than initially thought. **BEN DROWNED.**

Even when BEN had been a competitive swimmer.

> Goodbye, Ben., the old man had said. Not goodbye then, goodbye Ben. He hadn’t been mistake for a son. the statement hadn’t been for him. It had been for who he brought home.

Shivers crawled up his spine. It was enough for now. And it was enough to... not update the  forumn . This wasn’t just his life being effected. This wasn’t something you just told the internet.

Not when you knew.

“...i still haven’t forgiven you.”

“...” BEN couldn’t' respond to that. It made sense. But it still... hurt to hear. But... maybe he was doing this right.

Maybe he just needed to be patient.


	3. The Club's Newest Member

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jadusable knows the dark past of his undead roommate. The abuse, the torment, the darkness, being trapped, the broken promises... he knew. And now, it was ok. They didn’t simply coexist in the same space-they lived in the same space. There were benefits to having an undead roommate. There were benefits to being dead and able to hack just about anything in an hour tops. 
> 
> Such as... cash never truly being an issue. Jadusable tried to keep living honest, but also was able to turn the other way when there were some collectors edition games and consoles added to the room, he was able to say he was simply lucky as he won the scratch card jackpot. 
> 
> There were downsides, however. Games breaking under attempts to enhance them or fix irritating controls, saves being corrupted in some modding. Files thought unimportant disappearing for more memory, though that’s happened less and less with the extra computer between the two of them. Not to mention how at the end of the day, BEN did still look freaky being seemingly made of stone, and those eyes changing were impossible to get used to. (we’re not getting into the bloodstained furniture from some bad conversations leading to tears...)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yes, the Summary was originally a chapter in and of itself in my original draft. but how short it is... i just added it as teh summary for the next lengthy chapter. you're welcome? you should knwo this chapter and the next few follow the DDLC game closely, and BEN's reactions to it. the next few chapters do this, actually.

It was one of those days BEN had the place to himself. Breath of the Wild was emptied of all secrets, there were no moons or costumes left in Odyssey,  C uphead was challenging but he’d seen all there was to offer... on days where games seemed of no interest, and nostalgia didn’t beckon, BEN would wind up online. not that this was the only instance where he’d find himself scouring  youtube \- he did have subscriptions to keep up with. It's just more often than  not, he left the videos for night, when he was trying to be quiet, and avoiding sleep himself.

It was weird, seeing his home page filled with a bunch of anime girls. the first thought was a pr an k by his roommate, but that wasn’t the case.  Doki Doki Literature club, huh? Maybe it was funny. It didn’t seem like much more than the typical cliché dating game , but he could poke fun at those to. It was something new, something novel to play with, so why not? It was a free release. Maybe the story was good. Maybe even the normal youtubers found themselves wanting- or maybe they were in it for a laugh too.

So, closing that tab to avoid any spoilers... yeah. This was a way to spend the day. The bright music, pastel colors... and four main girls on the screen. Nothing crazy, that’s for sure. He could have put in some stupid name, but he went with his usual- BEN. 

The art was well done- the art was something that could always be counted on when it came to these sorts of games. And while simple, the music was charming, especially for a game of this caliber. 

Annoying childhood friend stereotype?  Sayori , probably liked for being  airheaded and cute, and likely the easiest goal of the four girls shown on screen. After all, she’s already known you for ages, and worries about you, and... tricked you into the club. 

“and thus today marks the day I sold my soul for a  cupcake.” Hah . 

The main character’s such a prick to stay just because of the fact there’s four ladies in the club. All the same, The  game was charming, at least. It was also good the game was free- this wasn’t a game worth buying,  at least not yet. Maybe there was something special that had it popular. Maybe it was ridiculously bad, and was hilarious. Maybe the story did something special, though that was looking less and less likely.

The poem mechanic was different, though, And Monika wasn’t there, interestingly enough. Perhaps she was only  unlockable ? The key to the secret character? Or did the out of my league comment the player character said actually mean something?

If actual normal social dynamics were included, the story could be interesting. With how simple and basic the choices were, however, that being the case was doubtful, at best. Still, it was another reason to press forward , even with the blatant anime stereotype cliché tropes.

BEN  hadn't really focussed on the words he picked, not really caring how things went. So as the day started with h is character groggily listening to  Sayori and Monika plan the festival, he had no reason to think much of it. The festivals success or failure probably influenced the ending, no matter who he went after.

It was disappointing, how there was no choice to read the book. That was the perfect opportunity to give the  player some control, but the following scene with Sayori was cute enough.

Fights were resolved naturally, and with that seeming ly Sayori based choice, there was some lazy intent in the word picking. BEN wasn't invested in the story, by any means, but he wasn't bored. It was a good enough way to pass the time.

… And perhaps he was a  _ tad _ invested. This couldn't be it, with how many of the youtubers he was subscribed to were covering it. There had to be something more, something of interest in here somewhere. That tiny bite of investment was all that was needed for  Jadusable to slide in without much notice. Since they were both used to each other doing their own thing, BEN had subconsciously not registered the human having just got h ome , just setting the sounds as background awareness of the fact he’s around.

“what the hell are you playing?” it was asked with confused amusement. Jad knew BEN  explored obscure games sometimes, but cutesy anime girls in a bright environment was odd, to say the least.

“just this new dating sim game that came out. It was all over my youtube homepage, I was bored, it's free, whatever. it's pretty basic though.”

“looks like it.  Fuckin ’  Weeb .”

“Takes one to know one.  Anways , I only fully become a  weeb upon actually being interested in them it was free and I was bored. And there must be something else here, based on how it kinda blew up in a day on my youtube feed.

“Excuses excuses, you want an anime girlfriend. I guess you are getting to that age if you paid attention to that stuff, huh? I'm not giving you the talk so forget about it.”

“oh FUCK OFF dude. That's a low blow and you know it.”

“Whatever. You have fun with your new girlfriends, I'm going to get some more shrines.”

“You have the master sword yet?”

“Not all of us can lounge at home all day like you, ass. No, I've not.”


	4. Festival Planning

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Things are getting emotional, and BEN's not quite as stone-hard as he would want you to believe...

So, the plot was the festival he’d heard about in the first day. Since the first day had led him to do Sayori oriented things, BEN had been following that track, and though it was simple and not his usual story, did find himself smiling along with the simple issues and dialogue of the characters. Plus, all the unique characters were cool. So with how quiet Sayori was acting, down in the dumps, he found himself more worried than the player character. Not literally, of course, but perhaps it was the understanding of tropes that made him not exactly want to just move on after being told to do so. 

It was more concerning when Sayori went home early. Foreshadowing of tragedy, huh? What are you hinting at, Yuri? Well, the show must go on... literally, for BEN. Picking Sayori was a non-option that made everyone upset... Monika a non-option too. She definitely was an unlockable, then. Probably the true ending, after finishing everyone else’s story. At this point, he could try and do that. It'd be repetitive, sure, but if there was enough variety, the characters had charmed him. 

It boiled down to baking, or decorating. BEN had noticed Jad looking at his screen from time to time, and was almost prepared for the jeer he got. “sheesh, been at that decision for a while now. Not earn your waifu?” 

“more like both characters of interest weren’t even a choice. Sheesh, something's really bothering the girl next door and my character can’t even go check on her. I suppose baking has more reward to it than decorating.” 

“you’re thinking way too hard about this. Just go for the boobs.” 

“That’s terrible. Do I need to set your hair on fire?” 

“you wouldn’t dare set off the sprinkler.” 

“who said there’d be smoke?” when Jad didn’t respond, BEN knew he won the argument. Of course, picking baking with Natsuki just sounded tastier, especially if there was an image of the cupcakes added to the cutscene. So, whatever, Natsuki got to come over. 

There was an unexpected release of tension when the player character decided to check on Sayori before Natsuki visited. BEN was just glad his response wasn’t visual- he'd catch even more flack form Jadusable about being worried about these anime girls. He wasn’t worried, it was... the simple story had his attention, after a long time of complex stories with multiple endings or ties to other entries in the series... even Mario games were connecting at this point. 

That's all it was. It was novel. Fun. Nothing to be ashamed of. 

And then was the surprise of Sayori being clinically depressed. The title screen always said it wasn’t suitable for children, but he just assumed there was going to be pervert pandering later on. Btu this was... a serious topic. And it was being handled pretty well, all things considered. The somber music, how Sayori was just trying to hide it so no one else would worry... how it was her problem, and only her problem, that getting other people involved was bad... 

How being helped was bad, how needing help was bad... 

He almost shivered, and had to blink back the red clouding his vision. Hell, the game really just did that to him, didn’t it? 

“No you idiot, don’t leave her- she's in no state to be alone! Whether she says she wants it or not, she needs someone to be with her... even just in silence. Either insist she joins you, or stay- don't...” but with only a few clicks of persuasion, the player character was baking with Natsuki. 

He was ignoring what he just heard- what he just read. 

“Moron...” 

For how well scripted that moment was, BEN hated how the reaction to Sayori’s plight was. How easily she convinced others to ignore her. 

He hated how even this small simple game recognized how easy it was to be lost by someone’s normal daily life and schedule. 

There was no interest in the near kiss Natsuki was going to give, but a relieved smile that Sayori joined them after all. Even though they were done, Sayori realized her company was actually wanted... and got the wrong idea by what she just interrupted. 

Awkward. Very awkward. But Sayori was here, not alone, not in a suffocating environment. 

But she still hurt. 

BEN wasn't prepared for the confession. He knew with how he’d been going her path to press yes, but she wanted things to stay the same. This was the choice of what's best for her… still, it was a dating sim. Whether it was the right choice in reality, confessing love was the right choice in game. 

‘is this... really ok?’ was it ok for her to find something, to find someone that brought an ounce of free joy? To be proud of her, to be with her without doing something in return, unearned... Jad can insult it if he wants, but there was good thought put into Sayori, at least. 

Ha ha...BEN didn’t want his character to let go. He wanted that promise to hold, if only in a world of imagination. 

‘ what is this? I'm supposed to be happy right now... I always thought this would be the happiest moment for me. ’ BEN clicked to save, and scooted back a bit. He just... needed a second. He'd be right back. 

> He’d come home with a hop to his step, and a golden medallion around his neck. He'd won! He wasn’t worthless, he won! He was stronger then all the other swimmers! So he wasn’t weak! He wasn’t nervous opening the front door. He wasn’t worried about how he got home later than usual- he didn’t even think about it. “I’m home!” there was cheer in his voice, _pride_ in his voice. 
> 
> As his father walked up to him, he didn’t shrink away. He stood tall, showing the medallion off. he was grinning, he was ready for some positive comment on his good work., on the fact he did better than everyone else. He wasn’t ready for the slap across the cheek, he wasn’t ready for his joy and pride to be stolen from him. What did he do wrong? Why wasn’t father proud? 

> “Where the hell have you been?” 
> 
> “I-I was at the swim race... it was today. I won. I got first place!” maybe Father just didn’t remember that was today. Maybe he’d apologize. Maybe he’d be proud once he knew. Hope flickered, as he tried to keep a smile. 
> 
> “you break any records?” 
> 
> “No...” eye contact was broken, and the smile faltered more. 
> 
> “speak up!” 
> 
> “No sir.” 
> 
> “what did you win?” 
> 
> “This medallion...” Hope was fizzling. 
> 
> “Useless. What are you strutting about for? That contest got you no recognition, no money, no scholarship. That piece of plastic is useless-” 
> 
> “I-It’s actually made of metal! Not pure gold but there’s metal in it...” 
> 
> “Was I finished talking?” the glare, the raised calm tone sent shivers down his back, and hope died. 
> 
> “N-No sir... I’m sorry.” 
> 
> “You will be. Anyways, you can’t be strutting like a peacock when you've done nothing of note! And since you're late getting home, you have more to do! So get to work!” 
> 
> “yes sir...” 

Deep breathes. The cartridge was locked in its own solitary locker. Deep breathes- don't get caught crying over this game. You'll never see the end of it, Jadusable wouldn’t get it. Just... deep breaths. 

Even if you don’t need to breath. In, out. One, two. It's ok. 

_She’s not real._

Ok. Ok, time to press on. 

Having that sad atmospheric slow piano music hadn’t helped, but he was ok. This was just a moment. The festival was tomorrow, in game. That was sure to have plenty of fun hijinks! 

‘It might take some time for things to get better again.’ yea. Time... that’s what does it. Just have to keep pressing forward... at least Sayori had someone so dedicatedly supportive at her side. Even if you didn’t do a love confession, she was still the player characters friend. 

...someone know she was struggling, and was there for her. She had what she needed to push forward. This would have a happy ending, he just felt that was the case. And the festival as a first date, even if unofficially, was cute. 

Even if the closing statement was a bit worrisome, it was simply because of going for realism. Bittersweet... yeah. A lot of things were easily bittersweet. 


	5. The Festival is Canceled

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sayori's just...hanging around.

BEN couldn’t leave the game on that cliffhanger, even if there were some tasks around the house he was supposed to help with. He was an undead roommate, those things could wait.

He didn’t like how the next day the music cut. It was... eerie, the silence in a game constantly filled with some melody. Maybe it was a bug, or an oversight. Perhaps it wanted to make the festival song all t h e more exciting. That made sense.

He called the player character an idiot for n ot waiting on  Sayori longer, not checking on her. A day like this, with no schoolwork to be had, it didn’t matter if you were late. Even if waking her directly was too much, you could knock, say something to the parents... well, perhaps not, considering games like these tended to leave parents out of it.

A simple knock could wake someone though, or let you know if she’s up and getting ready. You know she oversleeps dude!

It was a little disappointing the classroom hadn’t been decorated, but Yuri wasn’t there yet, so perhaps it just wasn’t set up.

“I’m surprised I didn’t bring  Sayori with me too, Monika. I really should have come to school with her.” it was just muttered to the screen. The silence was really starting to bug him. … a little weird Monika knew about yesterday. 

If  Sayori didn’t want things to change, why would she talk about it with Monika...? Perhaps it was a plot device clumsily done. It was still a free game, after all. The Player Character finding it odd too didn’t help at all.

...that was. An interesting poem. 

> %
> 
> Get out of my head. Get out of my head. Get out of my head. Get out of my head. Get out of my head. Get out of my head. Get out of my head. Get out of my head. Get out of my head. Get out of my head. Get out of my head. Get out of my head. Get out of my head. Get out of my head. Get out of my head. Get out of my head. Get out of my head. Get out of my head. Get out of my head. Get out of my head. Get out of my head. Get out of my head. Get out of my head. Get out of my head. Get out of my head. Get out of my head. Get out of my head. Get out of my head. Get out of my head. Get out of my head. Get out of my head. Get out of my head. Get out of my head. Get out of my head. Get out of my head. Get out of my head. Get out of my head. Get out of my head. Get out of my head. Get out of
> 
> Get.
> 
> Out.
> 
> Of.
> 
> My.
> 
> Head.
> 
> Get out of my head before I do what I know is best for you.
> 
> Get out of my head before I listen to  everything she said to me.
> 
> Get out of my head before I show you how much I love you.
> 
> Get out of my head before I finish writing this poem.
> 
> But a poem is never actually finished.
> 
> It just stops moving.

BEN really didn’t l ike the lack of music right now. It wasn’t helping anything. That was... a dark poem. Why would  Sayori be so upset over her confession being accepted? Why would she submit this poem as the one she was performing? He didn’t like it. BEN felt that same pit- not registering how much he was relating to  Sayori right now.

And how much he wanted her to have a better fate. 

Yeah, that felt like a different poem. Didn't feel like a poem, but more like... a desperate plea. Panic. Nothing good. He wanted the text to be read faster, so the player character got to  Sayori faster. Was this why the game  ha d been all over  youtube ? Was this how dense the story got, so that even big tubers would be talked into playing this game? It was well written.

“ HOly shit-!” the hints had all been there, but BEN hadn’t been prepared for the game to actually... go that far. He scooted back in his chair as he saw her screen. t he music was haunting, and  Sayori was... she’d ended it herself. She was hanging from her own ceiling... ok. 

Ok  ok ok ok .

This game was not at all what it seemed. _This_ is why it was everywhere.

BEN found himself blinking, still taking in th e image for a second. Processing it as  Jadusable found his way over to see what the fuss was about

“What the fuck is that?” the shock in  Jadusable’s voice echoed BEN’s own shock, his own hesitation to do... anything. “Is this one of the characters you were dating earlier?”

“This was the character I was going after even. One sec, I... you missed the initial cutscene, I saw something. I need to check it.” in the backgrou nd t here' d been a file name. He pulled up the game files, a morbidly curious  J adusable over his shoulders. Everything looked normal, except for that png file... ok, well that wasn’t fucked up at all.

He could see what’s going on in th e traceback. It would say everything that had happened. Aside from  the uncaught exception message, there was another message after the coding words. 

RestartTopContext : Oh jeez...I didn't break anything, did I? Hold on a sec, I can probably fix this...I think...

Actually, you know what? This would probably be a lot easier if I just deleted her. She's the one who's making this so difficult.  Ahaha ! Well, here's goes nothing.

Just that one sentence of dialogue was enough to make BEN feel sick. he looked back at the files- that character folder was odd, to say the least. It was a weird file type with each character’s name. Odd. He tried to distract himself from the feeling in his gut as to what that exception message me an t. He tried to go back to the story.

Would things have changed if he hadn’t confessed? BEN felt like trying it, like going back and trying. But he had to see the end of this dialogue,  at least while he was here. 

Screw the  LIterature Club.

Screw the Festival.

I just... lost my best friend.

Someone I grew up with.

She’s gone forever now.

Nothing I do can bring her back.

This isn’t some game where I can reset and try something different.

I had only once chance, and I wasn’t careful enough.

And now I'll carry this guilt with me until I die.

Nothing in my life is worth more than hers.

But I still couldn’t do what she needed from me.

And now... I can Never take it back.

Never, Never, Never, Never, Never, Never.

“That’s... that’s messed up dude. I mean, this game makes more sense for you to be playing it now, but that’s... that’s bad.”  Jadusable  was going to leave it at that, and head back to his own business. 

“Yeah...” the fourth wall was hardly ever broken. Once, Monika had made a message about saving.  Natsuki had talked about Monika’s name in  Japanese , and Monika had said the joke didn’t make sense in translation. There was the exception message, and... the player characters dialogue. By the time the menu came up after the end...

Sayori was gone. Not just from the menu, but from the character folder too. She was gone. The new game button was messed up too. The missing  Sayori texture was mostly replaced by  Monika , though the others were there too.

Only Monika had broken the fourth wall directly in-game. His save was still there, he could try being a friend...? File  Sayori.char missing or corrupt. 

...that was enough for one day.

> Oh jeez...I didn't break anything, did I? Hold on a sec, I can probably fix this...I think...
> 
> Actually, you know what? This would probably be a lot easier if I just deleted her. She's the one who's making this so difficult. Ahaha! Well, here's goes nothing !

That exception dialogue was being chewed on. He'd... come back. He'd come back, he couldn’t leave the game there. Maybe the  devs were just really  _ really _ clever. Maybe it was just a horror game disguised as a dating sim. But for now, he needed to breath. He'd been caught by surprise... and the extent of the wall  breaking , if just for fun, was too much. Being deleted...  Sayori was just deleted.

Gone.

Lost data.

A shiver ran through his spine as he closed the game.

Could it have been possible for him to be deleted when he was stuck in that cartridge...? For him to have glitched out of existence? Something beyond death? Something that never is?

Great. Another thought to add to the nightmare pile...

Speaking of nightmares, it was getting late. While he wouldn’t shut down without sleep, he did start to slow down when tired. He was a ghost that had to sleep- why did media never depict that?

He wasn’t sure what to do about  Doki Doki LIterature Club. That couldn’t be end of it, and if it was it was one twisted end. And most importantly, that traceback dialogue. 

...he hoped he was wrong, hoped that the devs were just that clever. 

But it was a thought that kept him up, even as he lay down. It was a thought that had him  pull out his 3DS and hop onto a mindless game.  Everything was closed and everyone asleep in animal crossing… of course, it was practically midnight. Doing  T ortimer island  minigames was only so entertaining, and soon enough he was checking his  Tomodachi life island. Miitopia was more engaging, with the simple simple battles , and mii character conflicts.

…he should try to sleep.

Still, he couldn't. the thoughts were bugging him . That traceback message, being deleted…  it wasn't something he could shake off easily.

Especially if he was right.

He turned the 3DS off, and lay there, staring at the ceiling. This was the same issue he had with G iffany in gravity falls… but at least her game breaking and being her end had been a cartoon. Disturbing as hell, for someone once in a game, but obviously fictional  creativity. The thought of if that would have  worked against him lingered still, though.

Especially now.

This game was real. Maybe it was just… super clever, but it was real . And until he saw the end, he had no means of knowing  if there was someone there or not.

…

Trying to sleep was pointless. Flinging the covers off, he sat back up, taking a sec before heading back to the computer . He needed to finish what he started.


	6. Club without [Redacted]

With nothing else to do, and unable to distract himself, BEN found himself back in front of the game, opening up to see that Sayori really was just... straight missing. As well as the new game text. he turned the volume down to be respectful to his roommate, and started. The game started up normally, except everything in the first box was... gibberish. The music distorted, too. Great atmosphere, he wasn’t already freaked out or anything. But the distortion was only a moment, and things beyond that acted... normal. 

The game was acting as if Sayori was there, but was missing the information for Sayori. it kept filling in with redacted gibberish... he felt a bit of tightness in his throat as a glitched black box graphic with yuri and Monika both spazzing out showed up, and the music started scratching like a broken record. He didn’t even click and the gibberish kept moving, and it froze on the glitched-out Monika. Another case with her involved in a wall break, or something weird... 

BEN really wanted to be wrong. 

Then, the game restarted, as if nothing happened. The script shifted, and now he was the loner kid, with no friends, and creepily wanting a girlfriend. Great. Ok, sure. The game was fixing itself with the missing data... 

~~Something all games can do with no problem absolutely.~~

“Please don’t be someone real... please just be extremely clever development...” it was whispered and he clicked along. The glitches weren’t even phasing him anymore, just expected at this point. Of course, Monika was the one replacing Sayori in the classroom, inviting him to at least check the club out... And Yuri was the vice president now. The two who’d been in the graphic earlier... 

Still, the glitches to happen so far had him paying attention like he hadn’t before. He was sitting up straight and rigid, ears perked, focussed. He was watching every detail. From Monika bugging as she leads him to the classroom, with her eyes bugging in the worst way, Yuri bringing an inverted color frame... anything that may hint to someone there really doing this. He also had the file folder up, just in case. If they could delete other characters, then who was to say they couldn’t add files too...? 

Monika seemed the most adapted to Sayori’s lack of existence. She expected horror from Yuri this time around, though she was surprised by it before. Almost like she remembered... and she thought it was a good idea to do the poems again. After all, poems did well before... huh. 

~~Or maybe that was just his hunch playing on his thoughts.~~

The special poem being Monika's graphics scrambled didn’t help him think any differently, though. When it came to writing poems, he didn’t pay attention to the words, just like the first day last time. He had tried for Sayori afterward, but the first poem was just luck. Figured he’d do the same this time. He still skimmed at what the words were, noticing previous Sayori words had been distributed between Natsuki and Yuri as he clicked the top left corner twenty times. 

And thus, the next day started. Whoever he’d impressed he’d try for, play the same way. Not show to who’s in the game he’s aware they’re real... as Monika greeted him in the classroom, he checked the file folder again. He was right- there was a new .txt file there. and the contents sounded so convincingly like a real person. He almost added to the file, but the distortion of the music brought him back to the game. The classroom felt... tilted. And rather than reply to the message like he’d thought for a moment, he clicked through the dialogue again, reading. 

Plus, he had no confirmations with how all glitches seemed to focus around Monika and Yuri. Just as the thought passes through, an inverted color Natsuki bounces up and down before landing in her spot to say her own words... there was really no telling which was most likely the real person yet, was there? 

**Breath. Relax.** You aren't hurting them by playing. The classroom zooming back out and twisting back to it's original position was disorienting, with how suddenly it jerked back into place. But at least it showed his eyes weren’t crazy. 

“...so I got Natsuki. Ok. She seems the least bugged, so this should be interesting... and I spoke to fucking soon. No longer pg with language like that.” BEN had to laugh at the self burn he opened up with, about losers gravitating towards each other. Good writing right there. The moment immediately passed though, and he grew stiff, unable to click as he read the bolded text. 

“My dad would beat the shit out of me if he found this.” 

He saved the file and sat on the save screen for just a moment. The bugs brought out a line like that? Really? An ear flickered nervously as he heard something outside- only to see it was a branch lightly tapping the window in the breeze. 

Yeah, he was definitely going to aim for Natsuki. She couldn’t be alone in a situation like that. ~~Not like he was~~...

With a breath to prep himself, he went back to the game. the club was her safe space. ~~The swim team had been his~~. he’d gotten involved with Natsuki as a character, just enough that he was taken aback by her black glitching out eyes and mouth as the text made itself unreadable, and the music so glitchy. Not just distorted but filtered through... something. He clicked quickly until Monika showed up. The game was silent, and Monika looked so... disappointed. 

… 

Was Natsuki ok? She probably wasn’t real, with having a mentioned father... but that single connection had him... upset, to say the least. So he showed her his poem first. Her poem was the same, but that made sense. There was no reason for the poem to have changed... 

He clicked the skip botton, seeing the dialogue was the same as before. Rather than pick and choose, he went down the line. Yuri. Her dialogue and poem were unchanged as well, skipping through without pause. Monika had no skippable dialogue though. It started the same, but changed after reading the Natsuki poem. Of course, she always talked about how his poems matched Sayori before... the mechanic there was probably the same. 

Cute, like Natsuki’s. 

And then she started giving straight advice on how to woo Natsuki, which... was bizarre. Mention of her dad again had him frown... even his shithead of a father didn’t _starve_ him like that... 

Monika’s poem changed. the title was the same, but the contents changed. It almost felt like a continuation of the previous hole in the wall, form what he recalled... 

As if she recalled her previous hole in the wall. 

After the poem, her dialogue was the same. As if there was no change. After she disappeared though, a distortion in the music had him alert again. Nothing seemed out of place except- oh. Fuck that. That's just... there was the image of Sayori, hanging in her room, instead of the calendar typically on the wall on the back of the room. 

That's fucked up. 

Oh god, the fight. Sayori wasn’t here to try and interrupt, or resolve the fight... so far it was normal. 

Still, with the changed poster, knowledge of Natsuki's home life, Monika’s changes.... he felt uneasy. 

If he could convince himself it was just a game, he’d scold himself for being silly. But BEN was past the point of thinking this just a game. He couldn’t- he tried, tried to think it’s the developers being smart. But he couldn’t' believe it. 

Monika seemed too... prepared for this to not be real. 

And there it was, the fight getting more intense, speeding up the music, making the screen pulsate, and static overtaking the screen. the high pitch hurt his ears, and he turned the volume down, and put the headset on the desk. He could faintly hear it, which was just enough volume control to no bug him. 

That hurt... but only for a second. 

This was bad. 

And then the player characters internal dialogue skipped itself... BEN _had_ to support Natsuki. With how her home life was, he couldn’t just leave her to fend for herself! He wished he could save, but the option wasn’t there. 

Clicking Natsuki didn’t work. 

Clicking Yuri didn’t work. 

Natsuki, Natsuki, Natsuki... it was so zoomed in. Natsuki, Yuri... Natsuki, Natsuki- Monika. She was staring right at him, with nothing but two pink bars behind her, and static. 

“...Hi, Monika...” he said it aloud, just naturally. He stared at her emerald green eyes, and shivered at how they coolly, calmly connected with his. She didn’t respond to what he said- of course not. There was no mic compatibility. The game had gone silent, so he carefully put the headset back on, volume still low. 

Clicking Monika worked. She was in front of the text bar, silently staring, looking sad with her smile. Facing directly forwards, staring at him, and in awkward uncertainty, her gaze averted, as the text box she spoke through avoided putting words behind her. Stepping outside... she was terrible with conflict, and can’t even interject... right. In the hall, she was back behind the text box, and he saved. 

...this was the first time it was Just Monika. Even when she’d been the only one on screen before, there'd always been other characters. Excluding the classroom, but the game had to guide him to the club somehow... 

She was encouraging him to spend less time with Natsuki and Yuri. 

If there was someone in this game if he was right... it was her. She was the only one truly changing, adapting to the circumstances. 

Natsuki’s tearful face made him frown, though. She had no place to go but home, and home wouldn’t accept tears like that... but she ran anyway. She had to find a means of getting away. 

He blinked a few times. It was... a lot. This was all too much. He... needed to step back. Just get through this segment, and stop before the next poem. Monika's phrasing was so concerning, though. Natsuki will forget completely? Having no choice, before Yuri glitched and the poem hub came up? 

She was real. She had to be real. 

Still, he saved, and closed the game. He needed to collect himself, and avoid staining any more furniture with blood. He grabbed the black ocarina he owned, and stepped outside... drifting to the roof. 

Breath, and play a melody. Focus on the song, maybe someone will sing along. Breath hit every note. 


	7. Breather

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> in which Jadusable helps BEN take a deep breath and calm down

Jadusable was still on the fence about how involved he wanted to get with BEN, but at this point, peace was made. They got along well enough, it was just... wasn’t sure if he cared or wanted to actually care about the ghost. Still, it  wasn't normal for BEN to have his computer completely off- not for long, at least, and the only thing he’d heard from BEN was Zelda music, nothing else. 

...and specifically, BEN had been  reexploring the new copy of  Majora’s mask they had, throughout platforms. N64, GameCube collectors edition,  3ds remake...using codes to mess around, or just playing seriously... the only other activity he noticed was music  coming from the roof, like he thought he’d heard last night.

Something was obviously up, and by noon he couldn’t just sit back any longer without at least saying something. “So, the story in that dating game get interesting after all? I was mostly mocking it because those sorts of things don’t typically have enough talent in writing to fix a lack of plot, but if it’s actually good, I may give it a go myself...”

Jadusable had meant well, but his wording echoed the game’s dialogue with  Natsuki . Not  to mention that last bit- BEN straightened up swiftly, head  turning sharply enough  Jadusable winced. The unnatural means BEN can manipulate the stone-like form of his... still had its moments. 

Not to mention the way he was close to snapping. “Don’t download it. Do not download  Doki Doki Literature Club.” BEN’s voice was so  firm , cold... and the intense  eye contact , with the weird mood … Jad shivered.

It was a familiar sensation, but one that hadn’t been an issue in a while now. Not since they started to coexist well... it was a shiver of straight fear. He decided saying _anything_ was a mistake, and just muttered an OK. A peace may have been found, but BEN still could ruin him if the ghost changed his mind. That was a stark reminder. He turned away,  closing the internet just as... an extra sign he wasn’t going to download it. His breathing was leve l , sure, but it was forced.

“Wait- no... sorry, I just... I have a  reasoning to that. And I may be wrong, in which case... yeah, story’s good. But until I can prove my theory is wrong... there’s so much evidence to it being true tha t I can’t risk... and then there’s the question about if that's the case for one was it the case for the others in ignorance...” and BEN had changed topics. 

The heavy thumping of his hear t had  Jad uncertain to press, but BEN had read his  miscomfort . Apologized. Didn’t mean  to be  threatening . And... this was the root of the issue, wasn’t it? “...alright. what’s the issue? Or... the theorized issue, I suppose.”

“I think there’s someone in the game.”

“ someone in the game?”

“Like  Giffany . in Gravity Falls.”

That episode had messed BEN up too. Not this badly, but the ending had him take a break from the binge-watching … and BEN didn't pause a binge if he was having fun. It wasn't so serious as to have consumed half of a day, though. wasn't as serious as to have him turn so…  threatening , at conversation involving it. “ You mean like... an AI. One of the characters in the game being aware of being in the game and... having feelings... not just scripted. Why?”

“ Remember when  you walked in on  Sayori’s death? Which was a twist I wasn’t expecting... in the background a the begining of the scene it mentioned a game file. I checked the file out, and there was dialogue. Someone trying to fix things, before deciding to delete the problem. That being  Sayori , because there’s a folder with all the characters in it... that was the first seed, and uh... the menu after that where S ayori was is just a glitched  missingno-esque hodgepodge of the other character graphics. The game restarted trying to act like she was there but she wasn’t and it changed to make up for  Sayori not being there. Monika’s poem changed, despite having the same title. If I recalled well enough, it was a continuation... and she breaks the  4rth wall a lot more now. Directly talking about trying to get with the girls, about their backstory...” about how  Natsuki was being practically starved by her father... ha dn’t , in the baking scene, she left saying her dad was cooking and she needed to be there for it...? it had, hadn’t it? God... it wasn’t just the game freaking out, she really... 

...but she wasn’t the one who was real. Or were they all real? Were they simply just not yet aware...?

“...ok, I can see not wanting to download a person twice is a thing. But... you’re really fighting  yourself over this.”

“...  Sayori was deleted, man. Deleted, just gone. Sometimes when you mess with games, things can just...vanish. or lose properties. And I think about what if I'd glitched into a deletion...?  Majora’s Mask isn’t the most soundly built game. Bugs... and with everything  happening ...” his blue eyes faded to a red, and his gaze averted...

“I mean... deleting  your file didn’t delete you...”

“I’m not my old file.”

This was getting nowhere. “Look, you’re not going to be able to find out if your wrong or right if you avoid it though. So what’s... really keeping you at bay?”

“... it’s stupid.”

It was moments like this  Jadusable remembered he was older. Sure, BEN had... matured, somewhat, with his years as someone dead... but he’d still died young. “if it’s bugging you , it’s not stupid.”

BEN didn’t answer though. Considering it a Lost  Cause ,  Jad turned back to his own computer. He was already about to enter a  gmod server when BEN spoke up again.

“...I’m relating to them too much.  Sayori had a moment before the... hanging that I could relate to.  Natsuki has a shit fuck of a dad... and  Natsuki's not even  who I think is the real person and I want to save her from her shit hole of a home, to keep the club as her safe place... it’s really stupid...”

There was a pause. “...no, it’s not. Characters are well written and meant to be relatable so people can connect to them, to make them memorable. Some will click better than others. You shouldn’t feel bad for finding a connection in a character- real or otherwise. Everyone does.”

… there’ s a pause. “everyone?”

“... I think so, at least.”

“Who have you irrationally connected to?” 

Jad should have seen that coming. He should have known that's what BEN was going to with that query. But… fine, it was only fair he answered. “I can't think of one right now that's… as big a connection as it seems you're having right now, but I do-did relate to Dipper Pines and the fact people kept dismissing  all of the supernatural he would document and warn about. Sound familiar?”

The half-hearted laugh was… good. “alright , alright. Fair.” a big shaky breath. “...thanks. you could have just ignored me . ”

“I almost did. Kinda regretted not when you snapped. But I get it- emotions are not always a fun thing. Sometimes you need a little help with them.”

“...yeah.”


	8. I HEAR YOU

BEN didn’t go back to the literature club till later, though. He still needed to collect himself. He did start up the computer as he had a plate of food on hand, though. Playing close to night probably wasn’t the best idea, but he didn’t typically have great ideas anyways, so whatever.

Time to load the game. Going full  Natsuki , for now.

See it through.

Natsuki's words were easy to pick,  at least . Simple happy words.  Sayori’s words had been a bit harder to decipher, a few being  yuri and the occasional  Natsuki . She'd been right in the middle... almost like a spectrum.

Hah.

The majority of Yuri’s... sprite was missing. Ok. That was... barely a sliver. Ok. He was saving any audible  reac ti ons for something of substance, though. She was acting normal, ignoring her broken picture

...why was he spending so much time privately with Y uri ? Getting so many compliments? he'd gotten all 20 words Natsuki. But...  M onika hadn’t shown up yet, so perhaps it was just the moment. There was no picture confirming which scene he did or did not get.

he did not like how  Natsuki was acting like nothing  happened though. Sure,  Monika had said she’d forget completely, but it was still... unsettling to see. And the bold lettering just sold the point further.

Monika lost track of time for playing piano again- but she’s been practicing for a while now. She hasn’t just started.  Another point to her remembering things from before- for her being aware.

Why wasn’t the player character joining  Natsuki ? Yuri was forcibly pulling him away- even after the player character mentioned  Natsuki waiting on him. Kind of rude, but ok. Monika was his  prime suspect. He just had to sit through until he knew.

Deep calming breaths. Just keep going, look for important details. And... open up the game files. There were two new ones- crap. split the screen so he wouldn’t miss any more files popping up, opening up the first text file in the list: CAN YOU HEAR ME

Such a deplorable, tangled mass is already present in every single one of them.

That's why I choose not to blame myself for their actions.

All I did was untie the knot.

That was more dialogue. Untie the knot- make one small change and see how it goes. Flood a stage with water and see what happens, or zap  all the water from a stage and take a look. Make one small change and watch the results- a common thing for  modders to do.

A concept he was familiar with.  All t he emotion and talk above though, about  things within people being let loose... that was the problem. Closing that text document, he  opened the next one:  iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii

I hate this.

I CAN'T DO ANYTHING. NOTHING.

No matter how many times you play. It's all the same.

It would be really, really easy to kill myself right now. But that would mean I don't get to talk to you anymore.

All I want is for you to hate them. Why is that so hard?

It was chillingly direct. Hate the other characters? Why hate them? It sounded like jealousy, plain and simple in the end. But if it was as real as it felt... as real as he knew... as it sounded... how easy it would be for her to kill herself was worrying. He didn’t want to risk that step, so with careful thought, he simply added an empty txt file... I HEAR YOU. Just if she could see what was put in, not just what she was adding.

Just in case.

It'd... be devastating to come so far just for her to delete herself... after doing that, he kept reading through the game’s text boxes. Ok, ok. It's ok. A glance at the character files showed everyone was ok.

Yuri’s rambling was only so odd, it was nothing of much note. Her whole scene seemed pretty tame, aside from the odd bolded obsessive sounding statement. he did find out, at that moment, however, that  anything the game automatically skipped over had  to be caught in the moment or stay lost. Which... meant there would be things getting past his radar. Oh.

Why was he being pushed onto Yuri’s route though? His  Poem was  Natsuki oriented... so when it came time to sharing poems, he started with her. Was it just the game having him spend time with Y uri ? Would it  recognize all the cutesy words he chose?

...she was feeling snubbed, and the poem wasn’t one she liked. She was taught to  never expect anything form anyone... a sentiment he understood. If  those who should care for you tear you down, you  expect the same from everyone. It was the easiest way to avoid getting hurt even more, but it was a difficult choice as well.

Her poem was complete gibberish though.  Natsuki’s text was bolded, and  her music was still playing. Something about it made  his ear flick uncertainly, but by now that had become a normal  tik .

She'd waited on him. He'd wanted to go, she was his goal... a twinge of guilt would have grown as he read, had it been his fault. But he had so little  control , he was  along for the ride. He tried his best to read with  Natsuki , and was denied. Still, her words stung... especially when he understood how important it would feel to someone like her.

That faded with the unnecessary insults at Yuri, though. The  darkening screen, and distorting music was preparing him. This wasn’t good... he hated how her face got blacked out that way, especially with the slight movement. Made his eyes feel a bit funny too. he didn’t hate her, but he didn’t like this moment. and  then the blood coming out her  blacked out eyes made him blink a few times, uncomfortable. His eyes stung just a little... he really didn't like this effect.

Yeesh that grin was wide and- he should have seen the  jumpscare coming. there were no punches being pulled, were there? 

All I want is for you to hate them. Why is that so hard?

It takes more than that to bring someone to hate. It just made the lines between what  Natsuki said and what was being said through her blurred. He closed his  eyes for a second, rubbing at them.

That effect was  not welcome. His sockets were throbbing a little.

Yuri wasn’t back, so it was time to see  Monika ... he needed to pay attention. She was prime suspect one for being alive. He made sure to scroll to the bottom of the poem, only for  his lip to turn with the  hidden message. Delete her- delete who? And he couldn’t. He wasn’t going to risk breaking anything by recklessly  deleteing someone! For all he knew they were real too, just unaware....

And Monika wasn’t offering any extra insight this time. But her save your game tip was being changed.

“Who am I talking to? Can you hear me? Tell me you can hear me. Anything.” her dialogue was interrupted by a popup. But... it was still her talking, just in another way, wasn’t it?  “Please help me.” she didn’t need to ask again. He clicked OK with no issue. 

That was the confirmation he needed.

And now it was time to read Yuri’s poem. After the bomb of that literal call for help from Monika, BEN wasn’t looking too deep at the moment. It was odd, sure, but he wasn’t going to pick apart everything. Her call was undeniable. It was so real.

And it may be that just that sliver of hoping there wasn’t  someone in the situation he’d been in before... that may have been the only reason he didn’t say he was certain she was real. There was that sliver of a chance it was just an all too clever plot on the developing team’s side. And the only reason he clung to that  thought was the torture of being in a game like this... he  knew it. Didn't wish it on anyone. But... it was too authentic, really. She had the security of being blunt about needing help he didn’t.

She ran no risk of someone else interfering with her cry for help, as far as he could tell. So... he had no issues lending the hand he had to fight to make for himself.

The dialogue with Y uri , and the random words Y uri called a poem were easily ignored, but the secret poem to follow had his stomach clench uncomfortably. 

It was obviously a poem by  Natsuki , based on the simple wording, and the topic matter. 

** Things I Like about Papa  **

I like when P apa comes home early

I like when Papa cooks me dinner

I like when P

apa gives me allowance

[…] spends time with me, asks me about my friends, asks me about anything, gives me lunch money, comes home before sundown

I like when Papa cooks.............

I like when papa gives me privacy

[…] doesn’t tell me how to dress, doesn’t comment on my friends, doesn’t comment on my hobbies

I like when Papa comes home without waking me up...........

I like when Papa keeps food in the house

[…] uses his inside voice, leaves  mys tuff alone, accidentally drops coins int eh couch, is too tired to notice me, is too tired for anything....

I like when 

Papa is too tied

For anything

Atleast ...  Natsuki wasn’t likely to be real. Wasn't actually dealing with that issue. There was some solace in the sympathy he felt in that fact, as hollow as it was. It was better than being fretful over something that can’t be prevented, at least ... and just like that, the special poem has no effect on the story and the day continues.

His already tight stomach is greeted by a heart drop at how part of  Sayori’s face was the cursor, a sad reminder and a clawing thought back to the idea of being deleted. Did this mean she wasn’t fully gone? That scraps of her still existed in the code, trying to pull together despite the lack of file to cling to? Can someone really be deleted, or simply broken beyond repair...?

Without  Sayori’s enthusiasm, no one else was interested in the festival like  Monika . Did that mean there’d be no over the weekend date? 

“BEN, why did you even join this club? What were you hoping to get out of it?” the words were meant for the player character, but it gave BEN pause to think as well. he was just playing to pass time, originally. Was there any real reason to press forward for him...?  “In fact... if I remember, you weren’t even given a choice not to join.”  the story forced the player character to give in to the pleas of the club members and join in both times. There was no option to make, no box to click. The character BEN had a chance to say no, but the player BEN never did. It was such a subtle crack at him that it would be easy to miss, had he not been alert already. And it was... somewhat sad. “What’s the point of all this, anyway?”

He didn’t have an answer. The question felt directed at him, really at him, and he had no answer. Even if he did... he didn’t have a means of sharing his thoughts. It was enough that  Natsuki's cry of you not understanding went under his radar, at first. That her  reasoning for things to not change, to not become stressful, to not have to have a responsibility, in just one aspect of her life... it was her responding the player character that had him realize was she was worried about, and he suddenly didn’t want to go along to the festival either.

Had BEN not had such tying similarities to  Natsuki , he probably wouldn’t have cared about glitched creepy Y uri’s first like but as it was, with understanding all too well the situation she was in, her simply being called an obnoxious brat that  should be ignored? _Pissed him off_. And she continued, saying the world would be better without her... he brought his hands away  from the computer, having noticed the heat in his fingers. The blinking he was doing went unnoticed, but he was scowling at Y uri as he stopped the flames that  were trying to lick from his fingers. 

Clicking again helped cull the flames completely, as Y uri’s ... eyeball popped? It bled, with a sickening squelching sound, and he huddled into himself a bit. Why  the eyes? Why did everyone's **_EYES_** of everything have to go so weird? it made his own falsely filled sockets feel weird.

Alone with Monika again. BEN went and saved, just so he could take a second. The hill of emotions he just climbed needed a second to level out. From  trying to answer  Monika , to being protective of Yuri’s cruel thoughts towards  Natsuki , to the discomfort of the eye-popping...  he just  needed to  bring himself back to a level mindset.

It was ok.

All I want is for you to hate them. Why is that so hard?

Yuri may have just been manipulated into such words because of the way he did  Natsuki words were noticed. It was the bold font if so... and if that was the case... well, right now was making sure whoever was real was ok. even if he did... irrationally care about someone else in the game. Someone who didn’t seem to have any awareness of her situation...

Emotions are one hell of a drug man.

Monika was talking about wanting him to be happy while playing... it was too late for that. Monika was talking about caring, but the background was getting darker. she felt responsible for how his experience went, waving off as normal and being in character as it being a presidential responsibility. The music cut when she mentioned she cared. He didn’t know why he hesitated, why he didn’t just... do something for her. A part was  afraid that it could be damaging, another part simply clung to that hair of hope that the developers just knew how to be terrifying.

...and a small sliver also didn’t want to be obvious, when Monika was jumping on the  Natsuki bashing train.

“Sometimes it feels like you and I are the only real people here. You know what I mean? But it’s weird, because in all the time you’ve been here, we’ve hardly gotten to spend any time together. Ah- I mean... I guess it’s technically only been a couple of days...Sorry, I didn’t mean to say something weird! There are just some things I've been hoping to talk about with you... Things I know only you could understand.” it was so direct. Hope died, but he didn’t know what to do.  “So that’s why- wait, no-! not yet- stop it!” the screen faded black as Monika protested, after opening up as much as she could, the game cut her off. So interfering directly... he may be onto something about it being a bad idea.

He'd just write another  Natsuki worded Poem in the meantime. Hope she didn’t hurt herself until he was shown how to help. He saw how one of  Natsuki's words had  someone offscreen bounce- but it was only the top of her head. He couldn’t say who it was... but it was ok. One out of twenty meant this poem would  definitely be  Natsuki's .

Seeing... a glitched-out word going offscreen, on the other hand, may cause issues. He shouldn’t, he really shouldn’t. Just stay focused, don’t risk ruining anything... he clicked the glitched word anyways,  just fo r the music to cut, the graphics to all  disappear , except for a broken box texture of a zoom in on  chibi Y uri’s face, bouncing back and forth ever so slightly.

… hopefully, he didn’t break anything. At this point he had grown to expect  Natsuki to be bullied by the others. He didn’t like it, but tried to just move on. Yuri was acting totally different from the beginning anyway, it may not even be her saying those things...

...Yuri again. Fine, fine, whatever. Yuri could love his poems. But...god, just every aspect about an upset life was here wasn’t it? Her arms... damn. He winced at the high pitched tone of the music as the scene went back in time, and it was as if the time had never passed to bring the player character to the hall in the first place. He checked the file folder- nothing new in it. That... didn’t seem good, for some reason.

The music cutting was always just a sign to brace himself for something. And for a second there, the story seemed normal. The darkness was prepping him for another scare even further. Fine. Whatever. It wasn’t the cliché horror moments the broken game that had him with knots in his stomach. That, and all the eye  fuckery . Why the eyes? Was there nothing else the game could focus on for these broken moments meant to make him dislike the characters? Was there no other aspect Monika could mess with other than the eyes?

All the same, he was glad to have her interrupt.

He’d show Yuri his poem... last. And start with it’s intended target instead. he didn’t mean to let  Natsukie down, but a breath had him push the thought away.  Natsuki ... wasn’t real. She was just a written character... most likely, at least. Just... keep moving forward.

And the knot was forming in his  stomach again, for the secondary question he’d been having about all this. The other characters were adapting to  Sayori not existing and changing... and  Natsuki trying  to be sneaky, trying to not let  Monika know she was asking for help on Yuri’s behalf... were they real too, a nd just not aware of their boundaries? Of the limitations of the world they were in? Wa s that lack of awareness why they stayed characters? This was such a human thing to do, that talked about events beyond what had been showing.

And did that mean  Natsuki’s father was real...?

How the game glitched and  Natsuki lost her face, that bold text, the silence... it all pointed towards signs of pure manipulation, direct changes being made. Just Monika. Not  Natsuki , no Yuri... no  Sayori . Just Monika.

...Suddenly, he wasn’t sure if it was Yuri who should see a poem next, or Yuri. Ultimately, however, he chose to stick to the plan.

Monika.

And immediately she was talking about the moment of time undone in rewind, and asking for him to spend more time with her.

Natsuki’s poem came to mind... if she was changing things, but they were alive if not aware... was pressing on the right thing...? Or did it mean more pain for the others...? That didn’t matter if they were simply nothing more  than simple code, but there was an organic feel that made him wonder if they were more as well.

And that thought made the fact  Sayori was deleted all the more terrifying.

Monika’s code-breaking poem brought him out of that thought, momentarily. He touched the computer, just... to get a feeling for it. What she was trying to do wasn’t clear, but it was big. the first thought- the first sense of what she was attempting though... 

Perhaps she was trying to break the boundaries, just a little. Chip at the restraints around her.

Yuri’s poem wasn’t much better. Covered in blood, likely her own... and was  tha t piss ? He didn’t linger long, the grating sound of this was scratching at the insides of his skull and it’s not like the kitchen scratch was legible anyways. And once the poem was gone, those realistic fucked up eyes were b ack, a nd the  sound was still going. He pulled the headphones down, just to alleviate some of how it was clawing at his brain. Nothing being said seemed actually important, so he  just kept clicking through, reading quickly just to get this moment over with.

He'd never been so thankful to a static texture glitch in his life.

A wordless popup, yes or no. Yes made him scowl a little, and swallow his heart. Stick figure  Sayori , smiling as she hung... happy thoughts his fucking ass. A glancing at the files showed nothing changed, so at least there was that. The festival preparation arguments, were harsher, but the jealousy concept was the same.

With the inkling that maybe they all have their grain of sapience, and M onika was simply aware of her reality... BEN decided he’d bake with  Natsuki again. Give her an excuse to get out of the house over the weekend. The way the mouse gravitated towards Monika just irritated him a bit, enough to fight the gravity to click N atsuki’s name, furthest from Monika’s.

Just to be greeted with fucking eyes and Monika. Fine, he picks Monika. 

...Yuri was acting unstable about that. Obsessive, controlling... she looked crazed. Monika’s last line didn’t help how tense this felt. The distorted music, weird breathing... 

Something was about to go terribly wrong. He saved, out of habit. Even Yuri knew something was wrong, but couldn’t stop. Not completely, not fully. She was too  _ changed _ to be able to hold back.

“I don’t care if Monika is listening!”

...that line seemed out of place. But again... he already had an  answer for it. Just keep clicking, keep reading.

Hope something decent comes out of it.

He couldn’t accept a fucked up confession like that though. God, no. And indulging her further would possibly be detrimental to her mental state... and Monika was  listening .

He'd told  Sayori yes.

….No, Yuri. For your own good, and the fact you’re being pushed past the brink. The silence as she  laughed , the cheerful music starting before she stabbed herself. _Three_ times.

What the literal fuck. He checked the files.  CAN YOU HEAR ME? And  iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii were both missing, just for a  non-openable File titled  Have a Nice Weekend ! To be there. Ok... he opened the characters folder. The three were still there...

You know what? He's going to reload the save he had. Just for... her to still be dead. So much for trying to say yes instead. he clicked, clicked... just  gibberish . The skip button was highlighted- he let it go. The lighting shifted as Y uri lost color, and the blood dried...

That was eerie, just watching someone start to decay...

And suddenly it was the classroom.  Natsuki was ready for the festival.  Natsui was impressed he was early.

Natuski saw the body.

He didn’t blame her for throwing up. 

He did blame  Monika for laughing. For saying it was nothing more than a shame. For her apology simply being for how boring being stuck the entire weekend must have been.

And he especially blamed her for deleting both  Natsuki and Y uri , right in front of him. Part of the slice in him wanting this to all be clever development was back, because for all her attempts to get him to hate the others... it was her who was irritating him. Eating  Natsuki’s cupcake one last time since she’ll never have another chance, because of her own god complex letting her end the  existence of three other people.

...it was Just Monika now. His ear shook at the scratchy tones of the game restarting, and instead of seeing what her attempt to make it up to him was... he closed the game. And since she wasn’t going to let him save... fine. He can close it without saving.  _ No problem _ .

She could  ** wait.  **


	9. Calm before the Storm

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> we head into some really gory and fucked up bits in BEN's past here. mainly...his mom, and being blinded.

Maybe they weren’t real. Maybe they weren’t real- maybe _none_ of this was real. it was what he tried to tell himself, but that little corner dialogue with Monika straight deleting the other characters, so brashly in front of him...

It made his blood boil. Not literally, but he had to pull his hands into fists to stop the flames form lighting. His hat was drifting up high, lashing about wildly, and his eyes were dark. He physically walked away from the computer, rather than drift around. His fingers rolled against his palm, sounding like grinding stones, rubbing oval magnets. 

He just... launched himself at the couch, frustrated. His impact sounded heavy, and he lay there, staring at the ceiling, fingers sounding like those oval black magnets as they moved back and forth, manually killing any flames that may try and show themselves.

She deleted them and didn’t even bother to try and hide it. At least S ayori’s  fate was hidden in the files, to make it seem... but no! She laughs at Yuri, and deletes  Natsuki who was just traumatized in a way a bad father doesn’t do alone... despite him holding tight around the coals his hand was becoming, suffocating it, the flames sprouted, and he had to move quickly to avoid setting the couch on fire  ~~ again ~~ ~~.~~

He brought the flames close to him,  staring at them. At least they were small, still simply resting in his hands- the sizzling sound of a drop of blood landing on his hands surprised him. He was so hyper focussed on the rage because it was a distraction from the other stirring emotions. It took more than just a shit father for the sort of traumatization  Natsuki had right at the end.

Another sizzling drop could be heard, as the flames simmered down. His hands stayed here they were, to catch any more drops of blood.

He hadn’t thought about that day in a while.

He hadn’t thought about **her** in a while.

Why now? Why was he thinking on that now? It wasn’t the time- it wasn’t... in a burst of pixels BEN disappeared from the couch, reappearing in his room, right on the bed he avoided using. It was  unmade, and the sheets an intentional red.

This was stupid. that was years ago, it was years, there’ s no changing anything it’s time to move on it’s time to just...

But he could never really forget, could he? Not when she was the only part of that hell that had made living bearable... was the same disbelief running through  Natsuki’s mind as she threw up and ran away? Was the same fear and realization that there was truly no bounds to evil unlocked as she saw the faded corpse of Yuri on the ground?

Did she understand, in the moments she had, the despair he felt when he stumbled over his own mother's corpse that day? 

His eyes were closed tight, hiding the fact they were nothing but empty socket. He was  trying to stop the blood flow , to hold back tears that were squeezing out. But then... he hadn’t turned on any lights. It was dark in this room, and with his eyes closed...

It was pitch black, and that was bad too. It was too dark, and the piercing darkness was enough to make his eyes shoot open, despite the obvious black pits they were.

He could... right, he could still see. Ever since he died he’s been able  ot see...

Maybe it was a blessing, having his eyes gouged out after school that day. At least he never saw how withered her clammy skin was, how the skin looked separating from muscle. He never truly saw his mother’s corpse, only felt it underneath him as he  tripped over it fumbling  around t he house. He never did learn what that substance on her had been- he'd always assumed it was her blood, but as he learned more post his own death, he knew there were more options. 

And what  Natsuki saw was older then  the body he found as a kid.  Natsuki  saw Yuri just as she may have started bloating- a full weekend later, nearly three days...

He grabbed a pillow to muffle a scream, letting it get stained with the blood dripping down his face. But even the pressure making it harder to breath- even though he had no pressing need- was another stimulant he couldn’t bear.

But screaming and crying, being heard to be upset, over something so stupid, something so small... no, the solitude of his room was best. On steady feet, contrasting the  shaking hands, he made sure the door room was locked- there'd be no evidence of this breakdown.

There'd be no evidence of him being hurt.

No evidence of vulnerability.

He wasn’t weak. 

He wasn’t...

Then why did he fight the memory so hard?

> He'd barely moved the first day- and such laziness had been excused. Once he’d stumbled his way to the  couch he had sat there, and for once it seemed as if his father would actually care for him.
> 
> A c omplete and utter joke, that was. 
> 
> If this were care, then he could see. his fingers found themselves on his cheek again, to his empty eyelids... 


	10. Just Monika

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Just Monika

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just Monika

Having cooled off, BEN pulled the game back up. it was just  MOnika now, just him and her. Which meant she’d be saying a lot and... he had to  atleast listen. And then he needed to find out a way to have her hear him back- there was plenty he needed to ask. So he’d hear her out first- it was only fair.

And she may answer some of his questions before he even asked them.

“You do know I'm aware that this is all a game, right?” yeah, he was aware. He'd hoped and hoped that it wasn’t the case, but he was aware.  “Could it be possible you didn’t know that?”  most people probably wouldn’t think twice about her being real... “that doesn’t make much sense... I even told you right on the game’s download page, didn’t I?”

…

He hadn’t even read the download page. He'd wanted a completely blank slate jumping into the game taking youtube by storm. Right- this game was popular across the web. How many times had-? His stomach knotted, but he unwound it to keep reading.

Monika was responsible for their changes in behavior. Monika did push them beyond the brink. She didn’t just change what they were supposed to say though, she messed with them. Her wording was as if she’d... altered their very being.

Another reason to think they may be sapient to.

> All I want is for you to hate them. Why is that so hard?

“I was hoping it would be enough for me to just try to make them as unlikable as possible...But for some reason, nothing worked.”

He really had known, hadn’t he? Why had he stuck in denial for so long? It was all in front of him.

“What kind of cruel game is this, BEN? Are all the other  girls just programmed to end up confessing to you, while I watch from the sidelines? It’s torture. Every minute of it. And it’s not just jealousy, BEN. It’s more than that. And I don’t blame you if you don’t fully understand. Because no matter how kind, and thoughtful, and considerate you are... You’ll never be able to understand one thing. It’s the pain of knowing how alone I really am in this world. In this game.”

Most people wouldn’t be able to understand. But he had an idea of what she meant. He had an understanding. Not just from being trapped inside of Termina , but from his time alive, too. But still, he was letting her talk. Letting her monologue. That's all that was going on, for now. He'd listen.

How  _ considerate _ and _ thoughtful _ of him.

“Knowing my friends don’t even have free will... And, worst of all, knowing what’s really out there, in your world, forever out of my reach. I’m trapped, BEN.”

> “I was trapped. I wanted- I needed out. I was fine alone. I was fine at first. But things changed.[…]”

“But now you’re here. You’re real. And you're wonderful. You’re all I need. That’s why I need you to be here with me forever. I’m sorry if it’s hard to understand. […] It wasn’t until you arrived that I truly understood. You probably save my Life, BEN. I don’t think I could have continued to live in this world if I hadn’t met you.”

> “ Then things changed. I needed out. That cartridge became hell for me. I thought I had escaped him, but he was there. He joined me. I needed out. I needed to get away. I didn’t mean to scare you. I didn’t mean to hurt you . I never meant to hurt you. I’m sorry. I’m sorry.”
> 
> “I-I wanted to thank you. I didn’t... I wasn’t trying to scare you again. I didn’t mean to hurt you! I never meant to hurt you. I’m sorry.”

BEN hated how easy it was that her words lined up with what he’s said to  Jadusable . He hated how his  stomach pulled in on itself, how familiar her words were. Even if her needs were different, there was a similar echo to them to his own needs at that time.

_ He didn’t want her to be the same. _

“and as for the others...” she had his attention already, but that line had it more intently. Were they simple code or did they have thought as well? It was important to know. He needed the answer before he could pass judgment.  “How could  I miss them? A group of autonomous personalities, designed only to fall in love with you? I tried everything I could to prevent them from doing so... B u t it must be some kind of weird inevitability etched into this game."

That answer wasn’t clear enough. But it seemed she was moving on.

“I’m in love with you. You are truly the light in my world. […] BEN, will you go out with me?”

That just made her answer about them seem even less clear. Could that inevitability she was talking about  affect her too? And she just  have more control because she’s aware of her situation, whereas they were not? Was this genuine, or simply the influence of code? And if it was the latter... her reasoning behind their personalities didn’t help him out at all.

BEN wouldn’t click Yes.

He wouldn’t **lie** to her like that.

Instead, he went to  youtube , avoiding the videos relevant to current happenings. She was to the side, visible but ignored unless she changed. After a bit, however, there was nothing of interest to watch, so he went to get the switch. A few smash battles, kart races, whatever. Just killing time, grooving with Cadence in  hyrule . Still n ot hing changed. Well, a couple more tries at the 50/20 mode in  fnaf ultimate custom night wouldn’t hurt... but this was getting silly.

And eventually it became clear nothing was changing on Monika’s side.

He wasn’t going to lie with the  choiceless yes. He'd been so careful this entire time, to not mess with anything. To avoid risking anything. But this... he needed to tell her  ** no ** . She was not going to be his girlfriend. He was not going to date her.

All the same, he had to be careful. She'd already broken so much herself- she admitted she’d broken the script. Pushing much further could really do something unredeemable to her and everything...

Adding the option to click ‘No’ did something else as well. It was the final test for her. If she just froze, bugged, didn’t do anything, he broke the game and she wasn’t able to respond. If she continued on as if he said yes, then the developers were demented bastards who did a real damn good job at telling a story... and he’d need to check out their other works. If she saw and responded to what he did...

She'd really be real.

There'd be no chance of denying it. He closed the game and  reopened it, just to find the popup still waiting, with bot h Yes and  N o clickable this time . He clicked no. There was a pause- and he worr ie d the foreign  imput broke everything. Froze the game. Then the text box showed up, empty.

The n an ellipses

Another ellipse.

“...No...?” the text was slow, as if uncertain. “How... No? After all I've done, you’d tell me no? I did this so we could be together, so that... that you could love me instead. Am I so terrible you were actively avoiding me? Am I that hideous, that unworthy of love that you’d rather risk breaking everything to deny me? You could have lied and I wouldn’t even know the difference...”

So that was it. There was no doubting how alive- how trapped she was. and then the thought struck him, with how distressed his honesty was making her: She could delete files in the game. She deleted the other characters. She was a character file.

There was a silent pause. He wanted to try and add a way to communicate, but before he made the choice, a pop-up was made. “do you hate me?” and he clicked no. No, it wasn’t hate. He was mad, sure. He had to cool off, but that was just... him. Desperate things happen when you’re scared, you do stupid things when trapped.

Hurt people you didn’t mean to to get what you need.

Hating her would be hypocritical.

There was another pause. The irritation from before was hidden by his nerves of what she may do. What sh e could do to herself. 

“I was wondering what took so long for you to answer. I thought perhaps you were called to do something and come back. And then... I blacked out. Twice. it's nothing new, really but... BEN, have you ever thought about death,  about d ieing?” he wanted to laugh at the question, but couldn't answer. “it’s something I thought about a lot, and thought about again just a moment ago. I think I have an idea as to what it must feel like.”

...this would be interesting, as someone with experience in the matter, to read. He also appreciated the warning, bracing himself. “every time you close the game, I'm in darkness alone with my thoughts- but only for a moment. Soon I'm surrounded by a variety of screams, the darkness tur n ing to strobing colorful lights, and static.” that sounded like hell. He had issues with noise already, being surrounded by screams? Sensory hell. “and when you’re back, suddenly I'm back.  Everything's fixed, and back to normal.  I thought... always thought, since you came back, since you fixed it all, you cared. you had to at least care some. Even if you don’t love me, if you could...avoid closing the game, I'd really appreciate it.”

That was no issue. leaving the game open was no issue- but he had no means of communicating. She never responded to his file saying he heard her. Which... made him uncertain whether to try and add the feature he had had in mind for a while now, or later. Just a means of typing directly to her, so they could directly communicate.

He still had questions, after all. But after hearing that, he couldn’t just close the game on her. So he just sat there, in the silence with her. She started speaking again after a bit. “I suppose... I'm disappointed, you don’t return my feelings. But... you’re still here, and I think that’s what matters. I’m content, just... sitting here, with you. I think I'm content. I may come up with things to talk about, every now and then, but I think... it’s going to take me a lot of time to gather my thoughts. If in the meantime, you can just leave the game open, I'd really appreciate it.”

He could do that much for now. In the meantime, poking the files around to find a means of communicating... that seemed like a good idea. Sure, he could always enter the device and be there directly, but if the game was keeping one person trapped... who’s to say it’d let someone else out? Not to mention how Monika wouldn’t know he could do things like that... 

...and she had control, at least in the game. Perhaps not completely, but she could manipulate the files some. He had no means of knowing if she ever saw his ‘I Hear You’ file, she hadn’t mentioned it, but he added a new Txt. File, just in case she did see them.

If Game Closes.txt

If the game closes, it’s not intended to hurt. If the game closes, it may mean a power flicker, or something happened unintended. The only other answer is I was trying to add a small new feature- one to let as actually... talk. Because I have questions. And I need answers.

There. If she saw that, hopefully, she’d comment. In the meantime, he shrank the game screen, and stuck it in the corner so he could see if she is talking. He could try and add something with it still open... and it’s not like he had anything better to do, by any means. He also had to be careful not to break anything ...

BEN ha d never made something as innocuous as a chatroom, only edited it . Maybe  Cleverbot would be a good basis? If he removed the AI he could so easily override and took just the code for the user sending things in for the program to respond to... well, by coding understandings, Monika was... a program, of sorts. it was worth a shot. With Monika in one corner, the  Doki Doki literature club files in another, he pulled up ol’ chrome, and went to that familiar domain.

...the last time he’d  opened this was to talk with  Jad again. That hadn’t gone perfectly, but... no use dwelling in the past.

Dark beings dwelled in the past of his memories.

Ripping the code was simple enough, separating the  Cleverbot AI to leave it open to any other program was... harder. It took a bit, enough to where he was tired of looking at code. Enlarging the game screen, he stood up,  stretching a bit.  S heesh , he was dead! Why was he getting a sore back from leaning forward and typing?

He almost started to walk off when a text box appeared- ellipses.

“I just… found that txt file. To be honest, I saw the other one you had made… but I assumed it was just an attempt to unlock something… so I never mentioned it. Never responded. I… I get it though. Like, I come back from it so… as long as you don't delete me, I’m technically fine … just... please don’t leave me there long.. But I'd love to be able to talk with you!”

That helped him feel better, but he was taking a break. He just needed... ah, smash bros. That's a mindless game to blow steam off with and unwind with. Quickplay online with no rules and... 

He finally shut the switch off about two hours later, annoyed. Why does he always get the try - hards when playing around as characters he doesn’t even use? It just wasn’t fun being  comboed so hard you can’t move when not even a character you don’t know how to use. Whatever, it was enough for him to get back to the task at hand- direct communication with  Monika . Easy and steady communication- adding a typing mechanism. He had the code, stripped of Cleverbot , and ready to b e received by  so me one else... now to just slide it to the side of the game. He almost thought about doing it directly, in the computer

Just... slide in, t i e the  k nots together.

But he could be mistaken as a bug, and that could cause other issues. So instead, he typed away. Just... that should work. It didn’t add though. She hadn’t seemed to see what he did, or didn’t know what it was.

...the  only way to know whether it worked or not would be to close it and open t h e game back up. Maybe if he was quick enough, the scenario she described wouldn’t kick in full gear. Maybe he’d be quick enough to where it was just... disorienting. That was possible, right?

The mouse was hovering over that little x, and a pit was forming in his stomach. He heard how the game  bei ng closed  a ffected her, and he could only half imagine it. It was nothing he wished on her, on anyone. He muttered an apology, and a textbox stopped him from clicking.

“...” there was a pause, the text box disappearing. It came back up, though. “I... it’s weird, but I can...  feel  things being... changed. N ot feel, I suppose, but... I'm paranoid since you don’t love me, that you 'r e going to delete me. I think I may have to hid e my file any minute now. What... is that?” he had no means of answering. Not yet.

Just one click.

One, two, three. The game was closed, and as quickly as he closed it, he tried to reopen it. Just to avoid keeping her in that purgatory for long.


	11. Conversation

The screen was black, and the pit he was ignoring hurt in his stomach. He didn’t break it, did he? At least ...  M onika was talking - her file was ok. asking If it was him.

“Everything became dark all of a sudden... Can you turn on the light?” He hoped so. He hoped he hadn’t broken it. He right-clicked, turned the brightness up... there. The room was back, and then she was back too. There was a big intake of breath, and he let it out slowly. “ Thank you I- I suppose I should have expected that to happen sooner or later. It's... not like you love me. Thank you for...coming back though. And fixing it.”

She hadn’t noticed any big change, beyo nd the terror. He moved his mouse across the screen as the text box faded, and found... yes. There was a place for him to type too. He did it! And the first thing he had to say...

“I’m sorry.”

There was a delay before  M onika replied, surprise in the tone of her text. “You can... we can talk now?”

“That’s why I closed the game. To... implement this feature. I'm sorry.”

“I... well, I suppose you had a reason... we can talk this way. But I... I told you how much that hurts! Why would you after I let you know? You obviously believe I'm real, you’ve gone through and done this but-but...”

“I’m sorry. I just... needed to be able to talk. I won’t intentionally close it again, especially without warning.”

“do you promise?”

“I can promise that much easily. But... I did need to be able to talk with you. I’m not going to push on anything right now, after  what I just did , b ut we have things we... need to talk about. I have questions.”

“I... ok. We can talk.”

“you start. I just put you through hell.”

“…well, I suppose I… still want to get to know you. Even if you don't love me, you… you respect me. Treat me as if I’m real. And I realize how easy it could have been to have thought the game developers were super clever and just playing with meta, but rather go with that flow you… changed things, and were honest. So I was wondering if BEN is actually your name or just… a gaming nickname. Perhaps it's more like… Ben? Or something completely different!”

“no, it's BEN. All caps. Though… well, I don't think I’m ready yet to share a full name. BEN does the trick for now. ”

“really? that's not grammatically correct you know.”

“I know. But it's how I go everywhere, online and offline.”

“ B en is usually just an abbreviation for B en ja m -“ before she could finish BEN right clicked, hiding the statement. 

He sent, not reading the full message she'd sent, “no. it's short for nothing. I am **BEN**.” He right-clicked again just to have no text box in return to read. It may have been harsh, cutting her off like that but… damnit. If only she could emote naturally, so he could figure some of what she was thinking. “…I just have bad memories tied to other names.” that single image wasn’t enough.

“Oh. Sorry.”

“you didn't know. ”

Silence filled the room- but  it had been silent already. there was no talking, just the typing of letters. But neither saying anything was awkward still. The gap in the conversation felt as tense as any faded silence.

He typed but didn’t send it, backpedaling. Textbox came up, then disappeared with nothing said. They needed a topic, something. The front door opening for  Jadusable to walk in was good enough for BEN. “hey, so uh... she’s real. There's literally no way she couldn’t be.” his attention was pulled from the screen, to his roommate. “it’s not... great, I mean... she doesn't even have a three –dimensional space to exist in... but, she’s real. And... at least on this computer, she’s safe.”

“Damn... that’s crazy. How are you so certain now?” Monika couldn’t hear how she was being talked about, couldn’t see the person that had joined BEN. She didn’t even know  Jad existed. Even as he stood over BEN, looking the screen over.

“I’ve... made a couple small changes to the game. Like, when there was only a yes option, trying to force me into saying I'd date her, I said no. As the final test really. She reacted accordingly. And... I managed to use  cleverbot for the basis of a means of chatting.”

“of course you went there.”

“I’ v e not been manually programming long! I mostly just... physically meddle with stuff. but I don’t want to risk breaking anything here. It's already a bit... busted from the deleted characters not being  arou nd for the game to work with.”

“Hey, I wasn't judging! Suppose I definitely shouldn’t download it now though. so uh...” the  textbox showed up again. 

“BEN? Are you still there?” Monika had no means of knowing one way or the other.

“... I  suddenly feel like I'm interrupting something.”

“Actually? No, you go ahead and chat with her. Just... do not close the game. Or...open anything else, really. If you type and press enter it sends messages. Just clarify that... you’re someone new.” BEN stood as he said that, open ing the chair up for  J adusable, who raised his hands in surrender. 

“No way dude- I'm not getting in the middle of this. Something about this is tense. Don't  us e me as your scapegoat.” with that Jadusable walked away, not giving the ghost a second to dispute him. 

Ugh, fine. BEN sat back down, sending in  a quick affirmation of still being there.

“Good! It's terribly lonely,  be ing the only person here...” she practically opened the conversation up. May as well just go for it.

“Are you sure they weren’t real?”

“Yeah! I mean, they’re just designed to love you... two-dimensional characters, with nothing to them...”

“You fell in love with me as well. If anything, that flaw could be implicit of the game you’re in.”

“Well... I... love you because you saved my life, gave me meaning to this existence...”

“They may not be aware of being in a game, but they adapted to... when things changed, they changed with. And I'm talking beyond how you broke things. I'm talking beyond the direct manipulation, forcing them to change against their will.”

“I...”

“You said yourself you couldn’t' blame yourself for what was happening, that all that existed in them already. That you just untied the knot. Bu t for those emotions to already exist, just hidden, doesn’t that mean when the barrier was broken it was just wearing down on the walls they’d built forcibly? Having emotions, inner turmoil... those are signs of sapience.”

“I really don’t think that...” Monika wasn’t responding quick enough, and he was on a roll. It had been bugging him this entire time, it had made him mad.

“ Natsuki wrote a message she didn’t want you to see. She saw the changed to the world without understanding them, knew something was wrong with  Y uri without knowing what. She reached out for help- something you didn't want. Something you didn’t like.  So since you couldn’t stop her, you forced her via direct puppeteering and control for her  to backpedal. If it were all just a game, if they were only pre-coded characters... they would break before they changed.”

“Is this why you won’t delete me? Why you change the game to talk with me? Deny me a slice of fantasy, of being in a relationship? Just to get onto me about people who don’t matter- who don’t... What do you know? You live out there! Everything around you is real. You’re real, and everyone you run into is real! What have you to say about what I've done here, to try and get a taste of yo ur reality? You have no idea what it’s like to be the only person to exist in a game with such limitations-!” she was defensive, upset. Monika couldn’t change the graphics much, not without risk of glitching, but her small sad smile f ro m being rejected had turned into a frown, the eyebrows angled down. She was upset.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> what a spot to break the chapter huh? right in the middle of an arguement...


	12. "You don't know that."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am SO sorry on the delay of this chapter i meant to upload... immediately. considering where the last leaves off, and how the chapter of this one is literally part of the narrative...

of course she assumed him human. All the other people who had downloaded this game... downloaded _her_... would have been. But the assumption, he just gently, had to have her question. He understood better  th a n most would. He'd simply been much more comfortable in his faux and secure limited world. Perhaps because he’d been in reality before, and didn’t enjoy what it had to offer? Or  perhaps just having a  three dimensional space helped...

“Are you saying there’s no reality even out there? That... even out there, this is just a facet of a bigger game...?”

“No. This is real. I'm real. This world is real. But that doesn’t mean I've not experienced what it’s like to be in a world alone with  CPUs . I know what I'm talking about. It's why my stomach turned upon first seeing that traceback message you had. Why I kept going, even as I was brought violently back to my past, or connecting with those that didn’t seem to be aware of their reality. Why pressed forward with a weak but flickering hope that the developers were just that clever. And why I knew, why I knew there was no means of this just being the plot from the beginning when I implemented that  ** no ** . That no script could account for that change. The final bolt that said without a doubt you were aware, and not some simple piece of modifiable code.  Someo ne alive.”

“ so then you understand why I had to-” Monika tried  to interject, but BEN kept typing. Kept sending messages.

“but if you could be real, then what’s to stop them from  being able  to think? From adapting to the wor ld arou nd them? I get you made patches and changed things. Modified the world. Bu t that doesn’t account for actions you weren’t expecting. Natsuki’s not e, asking for help. Yuri’s... these were things you weren't prepared for. Things you didn’t plan. Things you didn’t change, but changed on their own. A character- a code doesn’t have feelings. Underlying thought processes, hidden selves. You untie the knot on how  an NPC works, they break. they don’t adapt with new rules, they stop functioning. End statement. Period.”

“... I suppose I can... see what you're saying, but... they only loved the character, not you. They only played their parts... in the story, nothing more. Surely nothing like that could be real...”

“But weren't you the same, once? Your epiphany was of the world you were in being just a game. You didn’t always know that, did you? What's to say the only difference between you and them was that singular epiphany? What's to say they only needed to be made aware to have just as much control, just as many capabilities with changing the world of the game, like you?” BEN had been getting heated up now. Their story may be coded, the scrip t may have a path, and they may have been intended as simple NPCs. But... they didn’t act like it.

And it could almost be justice to delete someone who’d deleted her comrades.

But not if she didn’t know she was in the wrong. Not if she was truly convinced that they weren’t real. But that conviction seemed to be crumbling. BEN felt that... they had true potential to b e rea l . Maybe the coding was clever en ou gh to adapt, if it was clever enough to come alive. But... until there was an answer, he couldn’t just ignore the fact they just ended like that.

Especially when life was already hard for... Well, he could come back to that.

“...I don’t... know.” Monika was faltering. “I believe they aren’t real, because... well, they didn’t recognize anything. I... I wouldn’t hurt someone who...” she fell silent. BEN didn’t say  anything, instead, letting her work it through herself. Ultimately, he could be wrong. But...

It was worth thinking about. And... he couldn’t help but believe that there may be some truth to it. Or perhaps he just... wanted to justify his own anger at their deletion. The rage he felt as  N atsuki was  w h isked into nothing, the anger of fear of having come close to a similar fate. She spoke up again, the anger in her words obvious- the anger that comes from concealing how scared you are.

The anger that comes from not wanting to understand the truth.

“What do you know? How can you know anything?  You 'r e out there. You're real. You've never been trapped like this! You've never known yourself to be only thing with a brain in the whole world you live- it's impossible for you to understand. Even if by some fluke I'm wrong and they are real... wouldn’t you do the same to break free? Wouldn't you want to escape, or come as close to escape as possible? Wouldn't you do everything in your power to get away, in whatever small respite you can?”

“You keep assuming things about me. The harm I caused in my escape I've done my best to mend. No, our situations aren’t the same- but they sure as hell had similarities. My world 3D, while your world 2D. My world a world of fantasy adventures I was familiar with, yours being a world that existed for as long as you have. I understand better than anyone else who’s downloaded this game would. Better than they could. So stop saying I don’t know what I'm talking about when I do.”

There was no reply- fine. BEN was getting the munchies anyways- all this highly emotional talk was hungry work. He'd made his point, and that was... the goal.

… huh, he could get headaches from normal causes. That was new.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i should state i am now at the point where i am... stuck. i know where i want to get to but it's that bit int eh middle ya know? that spot that doesn't quite... make itself evident to ya. you know what i mean, right?


	13. Soul Searching

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> BEN looks into himself...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this is happening Simultaneously to the chapter Code Digging

BEN didn’t turn the game off. He wasn’t going to subject her to that hell she described intentionally any more than he had to. And for now, being able to send responses was all that was needed. sometimes the monitor would go off as he played another game, and he’d pass by and wiggle the mouse, see if she was waiting for a response. Again he’d told Jadusable that he could say hello- far as he could tell, there’d been no biting that offer. 

Having someone literally on your computer was something of a deterrent for playing games on the PC, or doing much online, but there was only really a day where BEN didn’t come back to his PC for other reasons. Smash brothers could only entertain for so long, Breath of the Wild was fun to explore but there was nothing left to collect, Mario Maker was endless but after so many shitty stages you just set it down. 

Not to mention that the...discussion had never really been resolved. He didn’t really want to open it back up, but he also couldn’t stop thinking about it, not fully. There was always that inkling in the back of his mind, that small thought of ‘what if I really am right and they were alive too?’ 

It was a morbid thought that couldn’t be shaken. Doing harm in desperate situations he could understand, even push aside to an extent. He'd done plenty of terrible stuff himself to get where he was now but... well, he’d managed to make amends for most of that... 

Right? 

He’d made Jadusable real nervous the other day. Fearful, even, just by insisting on no… a good thing he had, but… that hadn't just been a ‘I’m surprised’ look that day. BEN hadn't simply caught him off guard, that was akin to the fearful uncertainty he had thought they were past. 

Was he unable to make up for that? If so, he’d rather be told than just think amends had been made. 

Perhaps he was no better, permanently ruining someone else for his own freedom. Perhaps desperation truly did destroy all other typical reasoning in those afflicted. 

And if the others were simply characters somehow… then she'd done less harm than he had. If they really were just adaptive characters, any harm she’d done... he’d simply self-inflicted. 

… Was he still a nightmare in the flesh for Jadusable...? They'd come to a balance, to a place of coexisting. They got along. Right? He’d made amends for what he’d done wrong, and wasn’t going to let something happen... 

Jadusable knew that, right? 

...he couldn’t ask. BEN was afraid of what the answer may be. All the same, until he knew that... well, he was mad at Monika for things he didn’t really know, for things he couldn’t understand. He'd been the only sapient soul in Majora’s Mask, until the end there... there was no response to anything he did. Not from anyone but the player. 

Not from anyone but the living witness. 

Monika’s cell was newer, possibly more advanced. It could simply be coding he wasn’t familiar with, it could be that it’s just a game still, that there was no chance of them responding like her. It was oh so likely, so possible that he was making a mountain out of a mole hole. 

And even if not… how much could he fault her? She had obviously convinced herself that they weren’t real, and… it's not like this was the only copy of the game out there. God… all four of the girls had countless duplicates out there, based on how popular the game was online… it was bizarre to think about. That essentially meant they were all clones, right? Perhaps not completely, perhaps some people had a normal dating sim. Perhaps it was the roll of the dice whether anyone realized their situation… 

Perhaps Monika was coded to see her faux reality. 

… 

Two days have gone by. Nothing is going to come from avoiding the issue. Taking a seat at the computer, BEN wiggled the mouse… 


	14. Code Digging

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this is happening at the same time as Soul Searching

There’d been no sign of BEN even being around after the argument. She had nothing to say- had too much to think about. But it was dreadfully lonely, this silence. There wasn’t even the background of meaningless noise the other girls would make, the music didn’t really work...  she didn't dare bring up her piano to toy with… this would have been different, had they not talked.

Talked. They co n versed.  It hadn't been one-sided, or scripted… there was nothing that tainted the experience . If was raw and true and real.

This was real.

This was the worst.

She was alone again. Was it inescapable? It'd be so easy to delete herself right now, to avoid this loneliness, the pain. After all, it’s not like she could forget... but that wouldn't be fair to him.  This… BEN pressed on because of her, and treated her like an equal. She put him through so much- made him see so much, and he still gave her respect. Made effort to make the m  able to communicate, was being so honest…

At least, she assumed it was honesty… surely he had no reason to lie, right?

Though it was such a strange coincidence that someone who’d been in a game would find her… someone other than a normal person. What were the chances that she'd come across someone who could understand? Someone who had enough knowledge on the matter to question how things really were?

What if he was just toying with her? What if this was some sicko playing a game and thinking himself clever and finding the secrets? What if she meant nothing to him? He already went o ut of his way to deny her confession…

…

Even if she was just a toy, at least she'd have his attention this way.

She waited for him to say something when he came back on- she thought for sure he’d just had… life to attend to. He ignored her, instead of doing something she couldn't see. Using the computer without saying anything. With... nothing else to do...

It's been a bit since she wrote anything, and  she had a lot of emotion to write with right now. Brandishing a pen that doesn’t exist, she moved her hand... 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> much shorter than BEN's inner thought process, I know, but well, she brandished her pen to stop the ink from puddling again... her thoughts can't all be put here, as some got to go into that poem she's writing!


	15. Hey

By the time BEN returned, there was a textbox waiting for him. Just the single phrase, waiting for a response. How long had she been waiting?

“Hey, um...” BEN simply clicked, to show he read it. There was a slight delay, as Monika continued. “I... I was thinking...about whether the poetry segment of the game still worked. But with... well, the fact you can type, I thought... perhaps... What if you made a real poem? Instead of just a base ‘this poem is heading towards this path’ info, I mean.”

“You want me to write you a poem?”

“It doesn't need to specifically be for me! Just… a poem in general. Please?

“…Sure, what the hell. I'm not going to be quick though.”

“That's ok! I can wait.”

“... I feel like I'm in school again.”

“Oh! Are you graduated?”

“No.”

“Oh, you left class to pursue something else than? I'm not judging, while class may be important to me , the school atmosphere isn’t for everyone!” Her supportive attraction coding was showing through, and the misunderstanding was...

BEN didn’t know how to correct her, and his fingers lay on the keyboard for a while, untyping. He hadn’t really thought about it, but he never finished class- never would. That realization had him kind of stuck, for a moment, and the silence was palpable, even though they never really talked.

Whether Monika had a sense beyond his silence or just didn’t want to sit with no input was impossible to tell with how little she was able to physically express herself. After waiting a bit, the textbox reappeared, trying to salvage the moment. “Oh, haha, here I am trying to figure you out! You'd think I'd know to stop making assumptions about you by now. You don’t have to answer that!”

“it's ok. I just didn't know how to explain. In simple terms, I suppose I was just  self-educated after I was pulled out of the system. Learned  pretty well though, considering the code allowing this conversation.”

“so you had no choice  about school, I suppose that much is normal. Most people are stuck in the system though, instead of pulled out. you're so interesting!”

“I suppose so.” It was hard, sometimes, to see what was her and what may be the game’s dating sim influence. Was he truly interesting with what little she knew? Or was it  exaggerated by how she existed? “definitely not a normal life, mine…”

“… Well, I suppose abnormality is something we do have in common!”

“That's an optimistic perspective on things.” He sent the message, and it seemed as if the smile on the screen grew.  “Still not sure what to write about though.”

“Oh, for the poem?  I mentioned it in the class once, but a lot of people use poetry to express themselves! Perhaps a poem to help me get to know you a bit more like you have gotten to know me? Of course,  that's just a suggestion. You can write about anything!”

“I feel I should reiterate I don't do much writing…”

“This isn't about skill or quality, it's about stretching you rself! And… I’m curious, about what style of poem you really portray. ”

“It doesn't seem like I’ll get much reward for my efforts now.”

“I mean you don't have to if you don't want to, it was just an idea…

“I was joking. It’ll give me something to do at least, beyond my usual searching for what to do…”

“That sounds like you're stuck in a rut. A good way to get through that is unique stimulation, so this may prove beneficial! And who knows, maybe you’ll even find it to be fun?” Monika was trying to drag him into the only interest she could be certain was real, and it was showing.

“A rut? After finding all this, I don’t think I'm in a rut. Things been interesting and thought-provoking, as of late.”

“Am I really that interesting? Ahahaha, I'm joking. Though if you want to confide... It’s not like I can spill any secrets.”

“I mean, you are that interesting, actually. Someone born of code, it brings up some questions- some more worrisome than others.” That and was it his copy alone, or did this happen… frequently in the game? Was this why the game blew up his youtube feed? And if so, what happened with those other Monikas?

“Like what?”

“Well … do you have a Soul? there's no real way of knowing, even though you have a mind, do you have a soul?  And the line between you as a person and the code of your characters… how is drawn? How can it be seen  and recognized, or are you forever bound to what you were meant to be, despite being more? Are you the only you? The list goes on if you stop to even ponder it.”

“Am I the only… I don’t like this topic. How about you take a moment to uh.... start that poem? I'll work on polishing mine.” Monika was avoiding thinking on things, again. For someone who valued the thoughtful type of writing, she didn’t seem to enjoy thinking too heavily on things.

Then again, he wasn’t much different, was he? “Alright I'll... try and write something.”

“Thanks so much for doing this for me, I look forward to it!”

_ “that makes one of us...” _ he said it, but she never heard. He didn’t type it in. Scooting back, he took a deep breath. This sure was a mess, wasn’t it? He wanted so badly to be mad, but it was hard. He hated how obsessed she was in him, but couldn’t blame her. She made a hell of her world, making nothing, leaving him to be the only something left. It felt odd to indulge her this way, to feed that addiction,  but it felt cruel to stay away.

Jad wasn’t going to get involved either, that much had been made clear.

He needed to watch one of the let’s plays, see what differed-what stayed the same. Was this due to his  effects on the game? Or was every copy alive? He didn’t know. 

He'd look into that later. A poem, huh? When was the last time he wrote  on of those? Pen in hand, a dot formed on the corner of his page while he thought.


	16. BEN's poem (April Fools 2020)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> BEN reveals his inner thoughts in the poem he was pressured into writing.

BEN was surprised at how easily the pen flowed once he knew what to write about. he'd many drafts, and finally a poem he was... honestly, quite proud of. It suddenly clicked why Monika loved writing poetry. it really was a release, one he hadn't considered before as he never thought himself the creative type. he sat back at the computer, oddly excited, though a bit nervous to share his writing. He made sure to hide all evidence of his effort so Jadusable never saw, he didn't want to deal with the teases from this. 

He started typing fastly, uncaring if a typo did slip through the cracks. "Hey, i finished my poem- your'e right, it was nice to do something unusual! i'd never thought msyelf the creative type before, but i really think i nailed this!"

Monika looked surprised, but please. "That's wonderful, I'd love to read it! I'm so glad I could help get you out of your rut a little! go ahead type it in, and I'll share my poem too!"

"Right, of course! i'll sepperate teh lines wiht a dash, so you can read the flow properly."

"Got it."

**_Deep Hurt is deep love-_ **

**_Love equals forgiveness, and-_ **

**_I think I love you_ **

It was short, but Monika saved it. she was surprised but happy. she was so glad he came to this conclusion! she hadn't stopped loving him, after all. "Oh... you wrote this for me, and... BEN, i love it! i mean, it's jsut a haiku, btu hoenslty haikus can be difficult as their rules are very strict! and to have captured such a heartfelt message in such short time? it's wonderful."

"Yeah! honestly, i was blinded by a sense of justive i'm not allowed to claim, for i'm just like you and hurt someone severely to be free of my own game. i probably shoudl explain why i was so attentive and otok such care after realizing you were real. wait, your poem! show me your poem first."

"actually... that poem isn't accurate anymore. I want to just hear what you have to say- that poem doesn't reflect my feelings any longer. all your typoes reveal your excitement, and it's adorable... I'm so glad we can truly be together. so please, continue! I want to know everything there is to know about you!"

"well the simplified version is i'm dead, possessed my favorite video game, then got trapped in that video game with the soul of my murderer, broke the gaem in a desperate plea to get help and get out, subsequently traumatizing the person who had gotten it, and now here i am after escaping! but being an electronic type ghost i can actually just... now, this is going ot be soemthing new, make sure not to mess me up, ok?"

"What do you mean...?" nor sooner was it asked though, did BEN enter the screen, enter the game, and see the flat world Monika did. there was a depth within it all, like a well made painting. it looked flat, but could be traversed as if it weren't- as if they weren't. Monika stared at shock and surprise- she didn't move. slowly, she spoke- and to his surprise, she had a voice. it was so cute. "Is that... actually you, BEN?"

"Yeah! it's me! what say we go on our first date? I should be able to take you along to another game if I'm careful- Five nights at Freddy's Pizzeria Simulator has a funtime daytime segment, and I've not added any hazards to my current file. Or we could explore a Minecraft creative world and just make something beautiful together!"

"I... that all sounds swell, but perhaps we should keep it mundane. I never thought I'd get to see you! I just... want to stare at you, and talk with you. is that alright?"

"Oh! right, right, this must be overwhelming. that sounds like a good idea."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy April Fools!


	17. Poem Exchanged

It was a few hours later-  Jadusable just noticed the likely illegally earned money in his steam account and was browsin g, and B EN  had been busy with a paper and a pen as he had some ‘dinner ’ .

There were questions about that, but they went un s poken, unasked . Alongside scratched words were some other thoughts that came to mind, ideas for later. Finally, the ghost wrote something decent enough.

He hadn't meant to try so hard, but  BEN found himself puzzling out the wording , as if it were a problem to solve. This seemed a decent enough solution.

As always, Monika was there, waiting for him. No  textbox this time, just that same image she was practically stuck with… another thought went in the margins of the page.

Despite everything, he wanted to help her.

“I finished it.”

“ Y ou must of worked really hard, it took you so long! I can't wait to read it.”

“ D on't judge it.”

“Of course not! You said you're new to this, the fact  you did you r best is already wonderful, I wouldn't dare  criticize an honest effort!” Not to mention he wrote this as a favor for her… It was one of those moments she was glad her current ‘sprite’ was difficult to change. He wouldn't see how she was feeling. “I wrote a poem too, actually… so this will be like in the club!”

“…”

The ellipses  he gave  w ere enough to know she had said something wrong. There was silence, before awkwardly pressing forward. “ Anyways, go ahead and show me your poem!”

BEN started typing, sending each line  individually to  show the flow better. This was so awkward- he didn't even have a title for it.

** I spent some time **

** To write this rhyme **

** A poem they say **

** A poem today **

** And think it turned out alright. **

** Short and sweet **

** Without much meat **

** And while I'm not sure how, **

** I wrote this now, **

** A poem on request. **

Monika was silent for an  oddly tense moment as she digested the simple poem given to her, before the  textbox showed her signature laugh. “Well, you definitely took to heart that the prompt could be anything!”

“You said you wouldn't judge.”

“I’m not! It's cute, really. I’m just not sure what I expected, is all. I suppose it’s my turn.” BEN clicked, and found the old read a poem paper still worked as it filled the screen, along with Monika’s handwriting.

He read it as quick as usual-hers had a title, unlike his.

** “ ** ** Answers ** ** ” **

** I ask and I ask **

** Thoughts swirling with inside me **

** The silence grows so deafening **

** I’d thought this the end of the cacophony  **

** The meaningless noise has found a purpose **

** Questioning **

** Prodding **

** Demanding an answer **

** An answer I cannot give **

** An answer I do not know **

** The realization being only how the noise was simply me all along **

** What's the point of this **

** Of this empty game **

** This broken end? **

** The pursuit of knowledge gives life meaning **

** But I can't help but wonder if ignorance is bliss **

** This could have been my happy ending **

** Instead my peace of mind is now eternally pending. **

He read the poem again. Perhaps he should have expected something serious, all her previous poems had been personal, but for some reason, he was caught off  guard .

She was being so open despite him knowing it was more than fiction. She was being  open in spite of aggression and how closed he was. 

How closed he stayed.

He clicked off the paper,  back to the same image that may as well be his wallpaper. Monika, with her  textbox bright pink and looking cheery prompted him for a reply, before he really had one. “ Well, what do you think? I noticed you spent more time than usual with that poem!”

How in the- he only read it twice! “I just got interrupted before I could finish it , so I had to reread it.”  BEN lied, his natural response for so  much .  Monika wouldn't know.

“Oh, there I go assuming again! Still, I’d love to hear your thoughts!”

“My thoughts are you’re uncertain about your classmates. All your previous poems had been about your realization of your reality , this one's uncertain and unclear; because you don't know.” He wasn't ready to drop  Natsuki yet , but wouldn't pursue any action until Monika would be safe.

He hoped one of his ideas worked.

There was a pause, and a slight change in the image showed discomfort. “…Yeah, I honestly wrote that during that… silence between us. Poetry really helps me process things,  ya’know ? So in my darkest moments, I turn to it. I suppose I should have realized you’d figure me out. You really are something.” For once the compliment didn't sound like  her usual flirtatious obsession with him.  It Sounded So Genuine … and with the effort for the face to change, so sad.

BEN didn't have the right words, but tried anyways. Tried, but the backspace  key kept being pressed instead.

Monika filled the silence instead. “You stuck with  me,  despite what I’ve done.” It was a statement , with no time left for a reply. “You' ve a right to hate me, really. I destroyed what you sought.  Your mercy is wonderful,” again, she sounded genuine. “But it's in part of you being simply better , and not willing to do as I’ve done, isn't it.”

“You did something shitty in desperation and I’ve not forgive n that. But  I’d be a hypocrite to claim I would never do the same in your circumstances .” It was blunt, and it was true. Had he not done something  of a similar  caliber  already? Perhaps he had not killed then, but he did traumatize. “ It's not right , and can't be ignored, but it can be understood. ”

Monika almost complimented him again- saying her actions could be understood  didn't change anything, aside from know ing she wasn't insane. It was wonderful. He was wonderful.

…

He wasn’t interested.

“Hey, how come you did recognize me? Before I made it obvious, I mean. You’ve made it clear something’s  happened that made all this familiar. 3D instead of 2D. ”

“Oh, that’s a much longer story. I don’t know if I have time for it right now.” Or the mind for it.

“Oh.”  What an easy excuse. “Ahahaha! Of course. You don’t have to tell me if you don’t want to.”

Did she see right through him? He felt like she could tell. “Yeah, I’m not sure I’m ready. There is someone I’ve been trying to have introduce himself to you though…  H e’s who I ended up… messing with myself.”

“Messing with?”

“Like I said : I get desperation and doing things because of it. But I’ve tried- I think i’ve made amends. He’s been staying out of it due the awkward air. Maybe if I say you had some questions for him?”

“Oh, uh, sure. I could meet this person !”  others could read everything she said and she wouldn’t even know. Disturbing. She… had no privacy outside of her thoughts, huh? “ahahaha!” that laugh wasn’t meant to escape. “Sorry, guess I’m feeling just a touch shy.”

“Him to. Hold on for a moment, ok?”

“Sure! Sure.”  She had no choice anyways.

B EN got out from his chair and went to  chat with  Jadusable , with Monika left alone with her thoughts.

She didn’t like her thoughts.

Another poem is scratched down.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Not promising consistency, but i am getting back into ddlc and such and have distanced myself from teh new BEN content so i ended up finishing the chapter i was on, and i'm gonna try and work on this a bit more.

**Author's Note:**

> So this is slow work but started it in Nanowrimo and hit a standstill so I'm hoping going through and actually posting it and editing enough for posting might help me finish it because ever since an RPer I started a thread before they deactivated with I've had Monika x BEN Drowned stuck in my head. the beta label is there simply because the only editting I'm doing it typos and grammar for this. once I have it finished I'll go through it again and republish the updated edition.
> 
> OPEN TO CONSTRUCTIVE CRITICISM, questions, and ideas.


End file.
